Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and I feel like this Easter season has meant something more to me than it has in past years. For some reason, I understand the immense importance of the holiday better this year. The attitude of praise has become more ingrained in my life, I think...I hope. I don't want to brag. I just feel like this year, Easter feels more special. I think it has to do with my spiritual growth this year.
I believe that God has placed me in a multitude of situations this year, and more so in the past, I have been more open to receiving what God wants me to learn. I've learned a lot this past year or so. Many difficult situations and a support system has helped me grow and mature spiritually.
Now, with the accountability partners that God has placed within my life, I can more clearly see the sin in my life. Most would think that would make it easier to come to repentance, to fall before God's knees in guilt and condemnation, desperately asking for His forgiveness. This sounds horrible to say, but sometimes I think it actually makes it harder.
When I was little, I often thought that sin was something very illusive. You would walk around, living your life, and then you would tell a lie. I felt tempted as a child sometimes, and I thought that if I were just strong enough to battle my temptation, then all would be good. I didn't want to lie, not really anyway. I just wanted to get away with something. So, as a child, my understanding of repentance was just as simple as my understanding of sin.
Nowadays, sin creeps in. The temptation is not as obvious. The sin is your lifestyle, not a singular act. You understand that your attitude toward people, your attitude toward work, your attitude toward life tends to demonstrate your sinful nature. Sin is no longer being tempted to steal that extra cookie from the cookie jar or to tell your mom you did you chores when you really didn't. Sin is now treating your friend unkindly or being judgmental toward people you haven't met. Sin is how you life, not what you're doing.
With that in mind, I think now being more aware of my sin makes it harder to come to repentance. At least for me. I may be the only one (though I highly doubt it because for some reason, there is always someone else out there to commiserate with you). Now that I am aware of my sinful nature, it makes it harder to change your lifestyle. Its not just a simple act of resistance in a single moment. Its a change of lifestyle. Its changing the way you think. Its changing who you are. And because of that, you are more resistant to change. You really don't want to be nice to that person you have a hard time getting along with. You really don't want to stop being prideful or controlling. That's who you are. Especially because, as you've gotten older, you've come up with reasons/excuses for being the way you are. You've defended yourself in so many situations, that you are comfortable with the person you've become. You are okay with it. You believe that you have a right to your person.
Therefore, when it comes to conquering your sin, you are much more resistant to coming before God with a heart of repentance. A heart of repentance is when you believe what you've done is wrong and that you are sorry for what you've done and understand that God is the only one who can save you from that sin. When you have these excuses for yourself and you keep thinking, "Well, God, yeah...I wasn't too nice to her today, but seriously, did you see what she did to me?" then it is a lot harder to reach that state of repentance.
When you are little, you tell a lie, and then you feel bad (maybe because you got in trouble, but in the end, I think as a kid I did understand I had done something wrong and was sorry for it, even if my sadness was a bit selfish). You go to God (or your parents) and you're crying and you're really sorry.
Now, how many times are we really sorry for what we've done? Its harder. Or maybe its just because we're "adults" now. Or maybe its just because I'm prideful and its hard to humble myself in that way. Or maybe its just because we've become apathetic to sin. I say, "I'm prideful. I'm selfish. I'm judgmental" with full awareness of the sin, but not with a full awareness of how it separates us from God. And because we have "accepted" this sin in our lives, we just move on. Because we have "accepted" this sin in our lives, its harder to be truly repentant for it.
I am beginning to understand why it is so hard to get the "older" people to change. Why it is hard to get the people in my parent's generation to see their sins and their faults and to help change the church in a radical way. I know its hard, I've always known its hard, but now I'm understanding why its hard. And I'm beginning to come up against that wall myself.
I don't like it, but at the same time, I find my sinful nature tell me, "That's alright. You'll get over it. If you fuss over it too much, it'll just overwhelm your life and you won't be able to do anything." Then its this mental battle with the two angels on my shoulders yelling at each other.
It happens just like they say. Sometimes I wish I had an original thought, but in reality, all of this has already been thought of, experienced, discussed. As long as someone doesn't say, "I told you so." Ha.
And so, the day between Good Friday and Easter, I am struggling with a heart of repentance. I recall Psalm 51 when David was repenting for committing adultery with Bathsheba.
Psalm 51
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
The question is: how do I come to this moment? How do I approach repentance in a real way? I don't want to cheat God. I don't want to say I'm sorry when I'm really not. The hypocrisy weighs me down, but at the same time, I'm too lazy to stand up against it.
It just makes it more amazing to me that God loves people like us. I guess perhaps this understanding of God's love has made Easter more special this year. Still, I want to at least try to be worthy of God's love, and every time I mess up, I don't detect that separation. That means I have not fully comprehended the gravity of sin and the gravity of what Jesus did on the cross for us.
I pray this year for a full understanding of the gravity of my sin. I know that I have to be careful what I ask for, because God may bombard me with difficult trials so that I may learn to understand the gravity of sin, but at the same time, I know that this is something I must grasp in order to understand true repentance.
