I'm not sure if I'm potentially an unbridled enthusiast when it comes to this new house. It's not even technically mine. But I get so excited at all of the possibilities, not only for designs, furniture, rooms, etc., but also for memories. I keep thinking of all the things that we're going to be able to do.
I am not sure if being this excited is normal. I want to work on it every moment I have open. And if I have a spare moment in my mind, I'm thinking about it. I don't want to say obsessing, because its not that bad (I don't think), but I should probably say its not far off. Is that a bad thing? I get some condescending looks when I start to get "carried away," but I'm not sure if its just because I don't mind putting in the work. The work is the exciting part for me. Oddly enough.
I would be lying if I didn't admit there were things I worried about. But I keep telling myself its not that big of a deal, that I can't have everything the way I have envisioned it in my mind, that I'm not even going to be living there for awhile yet. That calms me down. Yet I still find myself thinking about the house as if I were going to move into it shortly. It's kinda bad.
Most people laugh at my silliness and excitement. Maybe most of my friends just don't understand how wonderful it is to have this endless expanse of possibility lying before them and to be energized by it. I don't shy away from challenges like this. I jump at the chance to do something with it.
What do you think about those word stickers they sell at Khol's on the wall? ;)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
How Far Does Love Go?
My parents confuse me sometimes. They act like when you are dating seriously (or courting I should say), your level of commitment can only go so far. You can only commit yourself up to the point where you are taken care of. If you are asked to commit when you are not being taken care of, you need to leave. Because you have to watch out for yourself. Make sure you don't end up in a bad marriage that you can't get out of, or end up in divorce. So you can only commit if all of your needs are being met.
But isn't love supposed to go farther than that? Aren't you supposed to love unconditionally? Isn't that how its supposed to be? How God loves us? Or is that love only reserved for marriage? Why can't it be shown in courting relationships, where you are dating with the intent on marrying. Obviously, if the guy is beating you or you are being abused or something, there is something terribly wrong there and you need to get out. And obviously, if your partner isn't demonstrating that you are worth the world to them, then there is something wrong and you need to get out. But what if...he IS saying that you mean the world to him, but he has flaws? Everyone has flaws. Big ones and small ones. And I'm sure no matter what person you meet, you are always going to have one big obstacle to overcome with them. Any person. Because there is no such thing as a perfect match.
So there is that one flaw. That one obstacle. My parents say either be SUPER cautious and reevaluate your relationship. I say give them a chance, because you are practicing unconditional love, yes?
I don't want to shed my parents in a super negative light. I love my parents, and I know they are trying to protect their daughters, and themselves in a way. But what they are telling me doesn't fit with what Jesus teaches, at least I don't think so. They are saying that you only love as long as you are being taken care of. I understand the importance of a person's needs being met, but what if its going to be a process. People are going to have to learn. Why do they always ask the "how long do you wait?" question? Well, my answer is not solid and concrete, not "2 months and seven days". No, my answer is as long as you need to.
My parents think that dating means you are in the relationship for yourself. You are trying to find a person to fit YOU. I think its the other way around. You are trying to find out who you FIT. Why can't it be that way? Why can't it be that you necessitate meeting someone's else's needs instead of your own? Because the way you date is going to affect the way you marry. You don't want to marry him because he hits your needs. You want to marry him because you fit each other's needs, because you fit his needs. Right? Isn't that how its supposed to be? What is with all of this selfishness?
And more importantly...why can't I tell them to my face that I disagree? Why can't I think fast enough to come up with a come back? Instead I'm mulling over the internal conflict until they leave and the situation has passed.
And another question...why is it when I tell my parents that my friend called me because she had a bad day and wanted to talk, that they MUST ask the question what happened? Why can't they just leave it at that? My friend had a bad day. Period. No more details are needed. You aren't needed here, okay? And why am I so quick to answer their question? As I answered it, I felt remorse, like I was sharing a person's confidence. And I don't like that, but once I start, then I have to justify myself to them. Why?
I want to be free from my parents' expectations. I don't want to have to live up to what they want anymore. I don't want have to be THEIR daughter. I love them, and all that they've done for me. But I feel like I am so self conscious over myself because I feel their eyes watching me, wanting me to be the daughter that they went to so much trouble to raise.
I'm beginning to see the flaws in my parents' thinking, like I'm supposed to at this age. And I'm met with frustration. Because I don't like to see flaws and do nothing about it. I like to fix things.
So isn't love supposed to go further? Can you make excuses for love? Or is that not really love, just giving in?
But isn't love supposed to go farther than that? Aren't you supposed to love unconditionally? Isn't that how its supposed to be? How God loves us? Or is that love only reserved for marriage? Why can't it be shown in courting relationships, where you are dating with the intent on marrying. Obviously, if the guy is beating you or you are being abused or something, there is something terribly wrong there and you need to get out. And obviously, if your partner isn't demonstrating that you are worth the world to them, then there is something wrong and you need to get out. But what if...he IS saying that you mean the world to him, but he has flaws? Everyone has flaws. Big ones and small ones. And I'm sure no matter what person you meet, you are always going to have one big obstacle to overcome with them. Any person. Because there is no such thing as a perfect match.
So there is that one flaw. That one obstacle. My parents say either be SUPER cautious and reevaluate your relationship. I say give them a chance, because you are practicing unconditional love, yes?
I don't want to shed my parents in a super negative light. I love my parents, and I know they are trying to protect their daughters, and themselves in a way. But what they are telling me doesn't fit with what Jesus teaches, at least I don't think so. They are saying that you only love as long as you are being taken care of. I understand the importance of a person's needs being met, but what if its going to be a process. People are going to have to learn. Why do they always ask the "how long do you wait?" question? Well, my answer is not solid and concrete, not "2 months and seven days". No, my answer is as long as you need to.
My parents think that dating means you are in the relationship for yourself. You are trying to find a person to fit YOU. I think its the other way around. You are trying to find out who you FIT. Why can't it be that way? Why can't it be that you necessitate meeting someone's else's needs instead of your own? Because the way you date is going to affect the way you marry. You don't want to marry him because he hits your needs. You want to marry him because you fit each other's needs, because you fit his needs. Right? Isn't that how its supposed to be? What is with all of this selfishness?
And more importantly...why can't I tell them to my face that I disagree? Why can't I think fast enough to come up with a come back? Instead I'm mulling over the internal conflict until they leave and the situation has passed.
And another question...why is it when I tell my parents that my friend called me because she had a bad day and wanted to talk, that they MUST ask the question what happened? Why can't they just leave it at that? My friend had a bad day. Period. No more details are needed. You aren't needed here, okay? And why am I so quick to answer their question? As I answered it, I felt remorse, like I was sharing a person's confidence. And I don't like that, but once I start, then I have to justify myself to them. Why?
I want to be free from my parents' expectations. I don't want to have to live up to what they want anymore. I don't want have to be THEIR daughter. I love them, and all that they've done for me. But I feel like I am so self conscious over myself because I feel their eyes watching me, wanting me to be the daughter that they went to so much trouble to raise.
I'm beginning to see the flaws in my parents' thinking, like I'm supposed to at this age. And I'm met with frustration. Because I don't like to see flaws and do nothing about it. I like to fix things.
So isn't love supposed to go further? Can you make excuses for love? Or is that not really love, just giving in?
Monday, August 3, 2009
Prayers for Peace
I am still trying to let his death sink in. I want to rise above all of those "stereotypical" reactions to death. I don't want to doubt God, question God, or ask why is this happening, but you find yourself doing it anyway. Because it just doesn't make sense. Why he would be here one minute and gone the next. Just like that. So suddenly. And no one knew. There was no way you would know. Just...gone.
I keep thinking this: I want to tell God that the only reason it isn't fair is because we still need him. Bethany and Brenton still need their dad. Aunty Janice still needs her husband. In so many ways. I know that Uncle Craig is His son and that He can take him away any time He wants, but why now, God? Why not wait until Brenton is at least an adult, not just a kid going into high school. And why so suddenly?
Sometimes it feels like it was all just a bad dream. Like sometimes we go to distract Hal, and then its like it didn't happen. And then I remember. Oh yeah. He's gone, and they are hurting. We are hurting. And then it makes my heart hurt again. It reminds me of that sudden shock, that first reaction when Karen came running up to me sobbing, that vague feeling that it was not real, that it was just Karen overreacting. That someone close to our family had not really just DIED. It slowly started to sink in, but it goes in and out.
I don't know how it feels to have the bottom drop out. I don't want to know, and I can't even imagine what they are feeling right now. God, this is painful for me. Be with them. Can I donate all of Your comfort that You have for me right now and give it to them? They need it more than me. Because if this is how I'm feeling, they are feeling it 192304839028490238490238409384 times worse. And I can't even start to imagine...
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
- Jesus, John 16:33
I keep thinking this: I want to tell God that the only reason it isn't fair is because we still need him. Bethany and Brenton still need their dad. Aunty Janice still needs her husband. In so many ways. I know that Uncle Craig is His son and that He can take him away any time He wants, but why now, God? Why not wait until Brenton is at least an adult, not just a kid going into high school. And why so suddenly?
Sometimes it feels like it was all just a bad dream. Like sometimes we go to distract Hal, and then its like it didn't happen. And then I remember. Oh yeah. He's gone, and they are hurting. We are hurting. And then it makes my heart hurt again. It reminds me of that sudden shock, that first reaction when Karen came running up to me sobbing, that vague feeling that it was not real, that it was just Karen overreacting. That someone close to our family had not really just DIED. It slowly started to sink in, but it goes in and out.
I don't know how it feels to have the bottom drop out. I don't want to know, and I can't even imagine what they are feeling right now. God, this is painful for me. Be with them. Can I donate all of Your comfort that You have for me right now and give it to them? They need it more than me. Because if this is how I'm feeling, they are feeling it 192304839028490238490238409384 times worse. And I can't even start to imagine...
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
- Jesus, John 16:33
Saturday, August 1, 2009
A Little Respect...Just a Little Bit
I guess I am feeling angry. And its not really nice or respectful for me to feel angry at someone else. So, I might be saying hypocritical things. I'm not sure. Because it sure feels like I'm right at this moment in time. Like I am the one being wronged.
Its just...to be clear but vague...its just very depressing to see how much respect has left society. How much respect has left our relationships, our friendships. Children don't respect their parents as much, parents don't respect their kids as much, spouses/couples don't respect each other as much, generations don't respect each other as much. Teachers, students, politicians, citizens, leaders, followers, friends, enemies, strangers, family, God, Jesus, pastors, congregations, famous people, rich people, fat people, different people. Communication, relationships, and lives are falling apart because people don't hold respect as important as it needs to be. Because from respect stems trust, honesty, truth, hope, love, and just plain decency. If you don't respect a person, how are you going to treat them? If you don't respect your enemies, are you going to think that they have the possibility of beating you?
The lack of respect in society has made it so making racist comments is okay. The lack of respect means whatever is okay for me is good. It doesn't matter if it screws you over. This lack of respect is intimately tied with the world's increasing acceptance of relativism and modernism. Its killing us. Slowly. And thats the worst part about it.
And you know what? I'm tired...I'm tired of being used and abused. I'm tired of not being respected. Not that people are necessarily being disrespectful, but they don't have respect for me. And you know what? If you don't respect me, then I'm going to assume that you don't care for me that much. Because how can you care for someone you don't respect? I'm also going to assume that any piece of advice that I gave you went out that other ear of yours.
I want to respect other people too. But its so hard to do it, being the prideful person I am, when they don't seem to be worthy of my respect. They act like the only business that means anything to them is their own, and that makes me wonder whether they are worth my time. And I don't like thinking that way. I don't want to think that way. But I feel like its almost inevitable to start doubting whether I should take myself and my time and my efforts elsewhere to somewhere, to someone that will appreciate what I do more. Where I will be more useful.
It's hard to tell...who is right and wrong. As always, I'm finding its a little of both. But in this case, I'm trying to figure out how I am wrong. And other than overreacting and getting carried away with my emotions, I can't seem to find much fault in myself. I'm not sure if that's just me, or if its because thats just how messed up this whole mess is.
I'm not physically tired, but it is affecting my physical strength. I'm getting tired of it all. I don't know how much more I can put up with, but I don't know what it is that God would call me to do. What would He do in this situation? Righteous angry? Am I capable of such a thing or would my imperfect humanity let it go awry? Or just putting up with it? Is that the way I demonstrate His love?
It's a long, venting post. I'm not sure if anyone but my dear boyfriend reads this site. And I feel a bit hesitant posting this on the Internet for all to see. But...if I don't put it out there for someone to see at least...I'm going to go crazy.
Its just...to be clear but vague...its just very depressing to see how much respect has left society. How much respect has left our relationships, our friendships. Children don't respect their parents as much, parents don't respect their kids as much, spouses/couples don't respect each other as much, generations don't respect each other as much. Teachers, students, politicians, citizens, leaders, followers, friends, enemies, strangers, family, God, Jesus, pastors, congregations, famous people, rich people, fat people, different people. Communication, relationships, and lives are falling apart because people don't hold respect as important as it needs to be. Because from respect stems trust, honesty, truth, hope, love, and just plain decency. If you don't respect a person, how are you going to treat them? If you don't respect your enemies, are you going to think that they have the possibility of beating you?
The lack of respect in society has made it so making racist comments is okay. The lack of respect means whatever is okay for me is good. It doesn't matter if it screws you over. This lack of respect is intimately tied with the world's increasing acceptance of relativism and modernism. Its killing us. Slowly. And thats the worst part about it.
And you know what? I'm tired...I'm tired of being used and abused. I'm tired of not being respected. Not that people are necessarily being disrespectful, but they don't have respect for me. And you know what? If you don't respect me, then I'm going to assume that you don't care for me that much. Because how can you care for someone you don't respect? I'm also going to assume that any piece of advice that I gave you went out that other ear of yours.
I want to respect other people too. But its so hard to do it, being the prideful person I am, when they don't seem to be worthy of my respect. They act like the only business that means anything to them is their own, and that makes me wonder whether they are worth my time. And I don't like thinking that way. I don't want to think that way. But I feel like its almost inevitable to start doubting whether I should take myself and my time and my efforts elsewhere to somewhere, to someone that will appreciate what I do more. Where I will be more useful.
It's hard to tell...who is right and wrong. As always, I'm finding its a little of both. But in this case, I'm trying to figure out how I am wrong. And other than overreacting and getting carried away with my emotions, I can't seem to find much fault in myself. I'm not sure if that's just me, or if its because thats just how messed up this whole mess is.
I'm not physically tired, but it is affecting my physical strength. I'm getting tired of it all. I don't know how much more I can put up with, but I don't know what it is that God would call me to do. What would He do in this situation? Righteous angry? Am I capable of such a thing or would my imperfect humanity let it go awry? Or just putting up with it? Is that the way I demonstrate His love?
It's a long, venting post. I'm not sure if anyone but my dear boyfriend reads this site. And I feel a bit hesitant posting this on the Internet for all to see. But...if I don't put it out there for someone to see at least...I'm going to go crazy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)