I Celebrate the Day

I hope that I can live these words out this Christmas...and every Christmas.

I Celebrate the Day

by Relient K

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know

how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me,

in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes

did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas

I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

enJOYing

Sometimes I wonder why it took me so long to learn how to enjoy life. I can't claim that I have it down pat, but I can say that this past year has yielded some long stretches of joyful days. I am beginning to learn really what it means to be joyful, and live a joyful life.

I get aggravated, often, by people who are close to me who let me down. But I am beginning to find that sometimes no matter what you do, you can't change people (which depresses me to no end) and sometimes you just have to move on. If they aren't willing to be friends with you, then why waste emotionally energy on them? Continue to be friends, but don't waste your time getting frustrated. I am still learning how to do that, and just learning how to do that has led to some better days.

When I was an "adolescent", I would write in my diary constantly about everything that made me excited, happy or whatever was bothering me. As a result, that made a lot of long entries. When I entered college, the entries diminished drastically. Not just because of time and life that sucked spare moments out of me, but I had few moments in my life that would have caused me to need to write in my diary before. I also found solace outside of my diary, in people, and I guess that was one step toward a more social being on my part. (Was I really that much of a loner in middle school and high school? Now that I think about it, did I really have friends?)

Now, I have little to write in my diary but blessings and joyful exclamations. I am happy, I am content, and it isn't because my life is struggle-free. It is because I am enjoying whatever comes my way. I hope that as I continue to learn more of what that means, that I will get even better at being joyful 24/7.

Silent Responses

I tried to talk to my parents about my concerns for "cookie cutter sermons" at dinner today, and they didn't say anything. My mom changed the subject. Why? My dad finished one of my sentences for me, giving me the impression that he understood what I was talking about, but then he didn't say anything else. I kinda wish my parents were passionate people. Its like they have lost any drive to do anything, but isn't that how it is supposed to be when you get "old"? You lose your passion, your drive? I don't want to be like that. There is too much to do out there.

I've been thinking a lot about death, and as a result, a lot about life too. What it means to live, to live a life for Christ. To live a life that Christ would be proud of and say, "Yes, that is a little bit like how its supposed to be." I see so many distortions of God's message in the world today, from Christians and non-Christians alike, from both leaders and followers. It saddens me, angers me, frustrates me. What is worse is that I see it most prominently, the most up-close-and-personal, in my friends. That is even worse.

Where has the world's desire to change gone? Why aren't we trying to improve ourselves? Why are we just letting the whole of society slip down the drain, slowly but surely? Or is that just my opinion, that the world is getting worst? My mom is always saying how every decade had its problems, and yes, I do think that if you go back to the 30's or the 1800's, they had their own share of debauchery, immorality, alcoholism, perversion, complacency, hatred, etc. etc. But I do think there is a downward slope. Why? Because now its accepted.

Verse 1:
The battle line is drawn
It's all in black and white
Hope is pulling forward
And fear from behind
It's time

It's time to make a move
So what will you decide?
The clock is ticking on
Don't let it pass you by
It's time, it's time

Chorus:
The time is now for lifting souls
The time is now for letting go
From your skin to your core
Let light and love
Come rushing through the door

Verse 2:
You learned every song
Memorized the verse
Took the bread and wine
And even bought the shirt
It's time

It's time to draw your shield
It's time to draw your sword
Be the resistance
Oh Lord, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
It's time
Yeah, it's time

-The Time is Now, by Phil Wickham-

Blessed

I have to blast this out on the Internet, because this is something that is worthy of being blasted. It needs to be blasted. Everyone on the Internet needs to know.

God has blessed me with great friends. =]

Okay, I am done.

Moving

The thought keeps coming back:

Should I move to a different church?

I don't like to think it. It makes me feel disloyal, and my parents have definitely told me their thoughts on the subject. They think I'm giving up, thinking too selfishly. So, I have to debate the legitimacy of the thoughts with myself.

The thought usually comes up when something happens at church that I disagree with or that I don't like, which is one of the main reasons why I ignore it after awhile. I'm not sure if the situation increases my lack of legitimacy.

But at the same time, I almost want to leave to make a point. That the church is not headed in a direction that is going to make them successful. But what do I know? I'm just any other person in the church, and everyone else has different opinions on what is going to make them a successful church.

Or maybe its just that the church doesn't fit my needs. It's not that the church is failing. It's just that it doesn't fit my needs. But is that a reason to leave the church?

The only reason I would stay (and the reason I have been staying) is I feel that I am needed, that God still wants me to make a difference there. But it is HARD. I'm not lying or exaggerating. If this is my calling, then God certainly didn't lighten up on anything. Not that I'm necessarily complaining. I'm just saying...its complicating my thought process. Because I don't if its difficult because it is supposed to test me or because I'm in the wrong place.

I don't know. I keep thinking about it, and every time it comes up, I feel like I think about it more seriously.

Possibilities & Dreams

I'm not sure if I'm potentially an unbridled enthusiast when it comes to this new house. It's not even technically mine. But I get so excited at all of the possibilities, not only for designs, furniture, rooms, etc., but also for memories. I keep thinking of all the things that we're going to be able to do.

I am not sure if being this excited is normal. I want to work on it every moment I have open. And if I have a spare moment in my mind, I'm thinking about it. I don't want to say obsessing, because its not that bad (I don't think), but I should probably say its not far off. Is that a bad thing? I get some condescending looks when I start to get "carried away," but I'm not sure if its just because I don't mind putting in the work. The work is the exciting part for me. Oddly enough.

I would be lying if I didn't admit there were things I worried about. But I keep telling myself its not that big of a deal, that I can't have everything the way I have envisioned it in my mind, that I'm not even going to be living there for awhile yet. That calms me down. Yet I still find myself thinking about the house as if I were going to move into it shortly. It's kinda bad.

Most people laugh at my silliness and excitement. Maybe most of my friends just don't understand how wonderful it is to have this endless expanse of possibility lying before them and to be energized by it. I don't shy away from challenges like this. I jump at the chance to do something with it.

What do you think about those word stickers they sell at Khol's on the wall? ;)

How Far Does Love Go?

My parents confuse me sometimes. They act like when you are dating seriously (or courting I should say), your level of commitment can only go so far. You can only commit yourself up to the point where you are taken care of. If you are asked to commit when you are not being taken care of, you need to leave. Because you have to watch out for yourself. Make sure you don't end up in a bad marriage that you can't get out of, or end up in divorce. So you can only commit if all of your needs are being met.

But isn't love supposed to go farther than that? Aren't you supposed to love unconditionally? Isn't that how its supposed to be? How God loves us? Or is that love only reserved for marriage? Why can't it be shown in courting relationships, where you are dating with the intent on marrying. Obviously, if the guy is beating you or you are being abused or something, there is something terribly wrong there and you need to get out. And obviously, if your partner isn't demonstrating that you are worth the world to them, then there is something wrong and you need to get out. But what if...he IS saying that you mean the world to him, but he has flaws? Everyone has flaws. Big ones and small ones. And I'm sure no matter what person you meet, you are always going to have one big obstacle to overcome with them. Any person. Because there is no such thing as a perfect match.

So there is that one flaw. That one obstacle. My parents say either be SUPER cautious and reevaluate your relationship. I say give them a chance, because you are practicing unconditional love, yes?

I don't want to shed my parents in a super negative light. I love my parents, and I know they are trying to protect their daughters, and themselves in a way. But what they are telling me doesn't fit with what Jesus teaches, at least I don't think so. They are saying that you only love as long as you are being taken care of. I understand the importance of a person's needs being met, but what if its going to be a process. People are going to have to learn. Why do they always ask the "how long do you wait?" question? Well, my answer is not solid and concrete, not "2 months and seven days". No, my answer is as long as you need to.

My parents think that dating means you are in the relationship for yourself. You are trying to find a person to fit YOU. I think its the other way around. You are trying to find out who you FIT. Why can't it be that way? Why can't it be that you necessitate meeting someone's else's needs instead of your own? Because the way you date is going to affect the way you marry. You don't want to marry him because he hits your needs. You want to marry him because you fit each other's needs, because you fit his needs. Right? Isn't that how its supposed to be? What is with all of this selfishness?

And more importantly...why can't I tell them to my face that I disagree? Why can't I think fast enough to come up with a come back? Instead I'm mulling over the internal conflict until they leave and the situation has passed.

And another question...why is it when I tell my parents that my friend called me because she had a bad day and wanted to talk, that they MUST ask the question what happened? Why can't they just leave it at that? My friend had a bad day. Period. No more details are needed. You aren't needed here, okay? And why am I so quick to answer their question? As I answered it, I felt remorse, like I was sharing a person's confidence. And I don't like that, but once I start, then I have to justify myself to them. Why?

I want to be free from my parents' expectations. I don't want to have to live up to what they want anymore. I don't want have to be THEIR daughter. I love them, and all that they've done for me. But I feel like I am so self conscious over myself because I feel their eyes watching me, wanting me to be the daughter that they went to so much trouble to raise.

I'm beginning to see the flaws in my parents' thinking, like I'm supposed to at this age. And I'm met with frustration. Because I don't like to see flaws and do nothing about it. I like to fix things.

So isn't love supposed to go further? Can you make excuses for love? Or is that not really love, just giving in?

Prayers for Peace

I am still trying to let his death sink in. I want to rise above all of those "stereotypical" reactions to death. I don't want to doubt God, question God, or ask why is this happening, but you find yourself doing it anyway. Because it just doesn't make sense. Why he would be here one minute and gone the next. Just like that. So suddenly. And no one knew. There was no way you would know. Just...gone.

I keep thinking this: I want to tell God that the only reason it isn't fair is because we still need him. Bethany and Brenton still need their dad. Aunty Janice still needs her husband. In so many ways. I know that Uncle Craig is His son and that He can take him away any time He wants, but why now, God? Why not wait until Brenton is at least an adult, not just a kid going into high school. And why so suddenly?

Sometimes it feels like it was all just a bad dream. Like sometimes we go to distract Hal, and then its like it didn't happen. And then I remember. Oh yeah. He's gone, and they are hurting. We are hurting. And then it makes my heart hurt again. It reminds me of that sudden shock, that first reaction when Karen came running up to me sobbing, that vague feeling that it was not real, that it was just Karen overreacting. That someone close to our family had not really just DIED. It slowly started to sink in, but it goes in and out.

I don't know how it feels to have the bottom drop out. I don't want to know, and I can't even imagine what they are feeling right now. God, this is painful for me. Be with them. Can I donate all of Your comfort that You have for me right now and give it to them? They need it more than me. Because if this is how I'm feeling, they are feeling it 192304839028490238490238409384 times worse. And I can't even start to imagine...

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
- Jesus, John 16:33

A Little Respect...Just a Little Bit

I guess I am feeling angry. And its not really nice or respectful for me to feel angry at someone else. So, I might be saying hypocritical things. I'm not sure. Because it sure feels like I'm right at this moment in time. Like I am the one being wronged.

Its just...to be clear but vague...its just very depressing to see how much respect has left society. How much respect has left our relationships, our friendships. Children don't respect their parents as much, parents don't respect their kids as much, spouses/couples don't respect each other as much, generations don't respect each other as much. Teachers, students, politicians, citizens, leaders, followers, friends, enemies, strangers, family, God, Jesus, pastors, congregations, famous people, rich people, fat people, different people. Communication, relationships, and lives are falling apart because people don't hold respect as important as it needs to be. Because from respect stems trust, honesty, truth, hope, love, and just plain decency. If you don't respect a person, how are you going to treat them? If you don't respect your enemies, are you going to think that they have the possibility of beating you?

The lack of respect in society has made it so making racist comments is okay. The lack of respect means whatever is okay for me is good. It doesn't matter if it screws you over. This lack of respect is intimately tied with the world's increasing acceptance of relativism and modernism. Its killing us. Slowly. And thats the worst part about it.

And you know what? I'm tired...I'm tired of being used and abused. I'm tired of not being respected. Not that people are necessarily being disrespectful, but they don't have respect for me. And you know what? If you don't respect me, then I'm going to assume that you don't care for me that much. Because how can you care for someone you don't respect? I'm also going to assume that any piece of advice that I gave you went out that other ear of yours.

I want to respect other people too. But its so hard to do it, being the prideful person I am, when they don't seem to be worthy of my respect. They act like the only business that means anything to them is their own, and that makes me wonder whether they are worth my time. And I don't like thinking that way. I don't want to think that way. But I feel like its almost inevitable to start doubting whether I should take myself and my time and my efforts elsewhere to somewhere, to someone that will appreciate what I do more. Where I will be more useful.

It's hard to tell...who is right and wrong. As always, I'm finding its a little of both. But in this case, I'm trying to figure out how I am wrong. And other than overreacting and getting carried away with my emotions, I can't seem to find much fault in myself. I'm not sure if that's just me, or if its because thats just how messed up this whole mess is.

I'm not physically tired, but it is affecting my physical strength. I'm getting tired of it all. I don't know how much more I can put up with, but I don't know what it is that God would call me to do. What would He do in this situation? Righteous angry? Am I capable of such a thing or would my imperfect humanity let it go awry? Or just putting up with it? Is that the way I demonstrate His love?

It's a long, venting post. I'm not sure if anyone but my dear boyfriend reads this site. And I feel a bit hesitant posting this on the Internet for all to see. But...if I don't put it out there for someone to see at least...I'm going to go crazy.

Angst

I tried to write today and couldn't get anything out, anything good really, and got frustrated. I have this dying feeling that I want to write something and feel that awesome emotion of things just flying off my fingertips, but it eludes me.

On a side note, my boyfriend is currently sleeping on my couch downstairs, totally knocked out from swimming today with my cousins. Haha. <3

On another side note, I feel frustrated and dissatisfied. I posted that as a status, and someone commented how angsty the statement was. Yes, angst. Oh, the word for our teenage years. But we should get angsty every once in awhile I think. It helps us figure things out, at least most of the time, if you know how to deal with it healthily.

I feel like I need something new in my life. Something that starts to change the things that I don't like into things I do like, something that will stop me from wasting time on things that don't matter and help me use more of my time wisely. It is just that at this point in my life, it is beginning hard to find out what is a wise use of my time and what is not. I feel like many things that used to make me happy and used to keep me going are now draining my energy and wasting my time, and I feel bad for thinking that, for feeling that, for feeling like I want to take what used to be special to me and toss it out of my life.

I know things change. I know I change. I know people change. For better or for worse. It is just hard to decipher it all, you know?

And I am beginning to find out how right my mother truly was, and it bothers me. She warned me that I would get worn out, and I have. I am worn out.

Start of Something New

The idea to start a blog came from talking to my boyfriend the other day about how I like blogging. I don't really expect people to read this. I'm not sure that I'm even writing it for other people to read (ironic since its being posted on the Internet), but I think that writing not only helps me get my thoughts out but also gives other people a chance to get to know me.

Today I started to think about how much a full time job really drains you. I hate coming home after a day's work and realizing that my day is pretty much almost over. There is no time to do anything. Ironically enough, I'm spending my after-work hours, now, writing this (sorta) pointless blog post.

I want to write. Today, I was listening to Disney music in the car, and I thought about how much I love the story of the Beauty and the Beast. I'd love to write an adaptation of that story. And I have another one in mind. I'm also supposed to edit a ton of short stories I worked on during the school year, but who has time?! Not me, obviously. Carlson is going to expect them done. Blah.

I wish writing meant something to people nowadays. There is so many forms of putting out written word nowadays that it almost doesn't mean anything to people. For instance, you post a blog post on the Internet amidst the other millions of blog posts, and what significance is it? Not much. You publish a book, even, among the millions of other books that have been published, probably 1% of them containing the same plot or purpose even. What significance is it? Not much. In the whole scheme of things, anyway.

Then why do I write? What is the significance of my writing? Not much. And I know that, and I'm okay with that. But I write anyway, hoping that I'm wrong.

I guess that is why I write this blog today. Maybe it'll be significant someday, to someone, somehow.