Character Studies

It frustrates me so much to see evidence of the Devil's work in the church. People don't like to talk about Satan much. His name just brings a sense of foreboding to a room. But I think its necessary to talk about him. The devil needs to be just as much a character as God is. We need to understand his tactics and his methods just like we need to understand God's. Why? Then we can understand when we see his work in the world.

Everyone says we need to study God's character so we can see God in the world and understand Him. Same for the devil, but for a different purpose. We need to understand him to avoid him, to point out his influence and rule him out of our lives.

Its worse when its in the church. You see the evil (yes, I said evil) and you are like, "Hello?!?!" You are waving your hands up and down but the Devil's got them good. Because he's smart like that. Yes, he's smart. He's brilliant. That makes him even more dangerous.

Not saying that God isn't all-powerful, but God allows the devil to have influence in the world because He loves the devil just like He loves us. And I believe that. God allows the devil to have free will. Someday, though, God will defeat him. In the mean time, we need to understand when we see the devil's influence and point it out.

I am frustrated...we're not supposed to see the devil's influence at church more than God's.

Still, small voice

Since my last post, much has happened and little has happened.

I'm working full-time now at my old job. It just goes to show that you can never anticipate what is going to happen next in your story. Never would I have guessed! Seriously. Work seems mundane now. I can't go back to it after having that one glorious week of writing. Now, its hardly as exciting as working on my novel every morning and having TIME. Oh, glorious time. Going BACK to work after having had time to do whatever I needed is definitely harder than it was when switching from school to full-time mode. At least that eased me into it. This was like time just got sucked from my life. Boo.

Fall has arrived and I am eagerly enjoying fall fashions and coats and boots and the rain. Fall is definitely the best time to go shopping.

So now, everything seems back to "normal". Sort of like the way I had imagined it would be prior to July. Odd, isn't it?

Last night, I was praying. I have to admit that it is hard for me to pray because I always feel like I'm talking to a wall. Or like I'm talking to someone on the phone that doesn't SAY anything back. Praying has always been about me, until recently I realized that I was praying only for my own benefit. Having ready Crazy Love by Francis Chan, a book which I recommend highly to any Christian, all of the sudden my world has been turned upside down and I feel somewhat uncomfortable in the place that I'm in because its too comfortable. I'm daring to make changes in my mind but fear has kept me only inching along.

Anyway, I was praying last night and I told God, "Please help me with the sermon I have to give on Sunday. I really want it to be Your words, not mine." Then, I thought instantly, "You should go over it tomorrow aloud to see how long it is." And then I thought, "You also probably could compare it to last year's sermon if you're worried about length." The tone of those two sentences were so gentle that it startled me, because I'm normally not very gentle with myself. Then something occurred to me. What if those brilliant ideas weren't mine but God's? What if...that was HIM speaking?!

All of the sudden I was frozen still. I whispered, "God, was that you?" No response. But there was something about the way those sentences had sounded in my head. The way they had gently slid into my conscious and felt like an instant good idea.

Whether it was God or not, I don't think it really matters. What I think is most important is that we often give ourselves credit for something that God has done. What if God has talking to me through good ideas this whole time? I'm worried about something and He gives me a solution, but I think it's mine. Plagiarism! That's what it is. That dreaded word that we all avoid in school. We're doing it with God. Wow. Doesn't that make you feel wonderful?

I'm pretty sure I've plagiarized God's ideas plenty of times after last night. I tried talking to God more last night, hoping to hear that exciting "still, small voice" which is definitely what it felt like, but God alas did not "speak" to me again in that way. I think I was trying too hard? I don't know. I don't understand why God talks or how He talks or what. I just know...I need to stop and listen more.

God does talk to us while in prayer and the concept had always alluded me because I was too wrapped up in my own words, the words that I had to desperately communicate to God. I've always known that prayer is supposed to be a two-way street, but how many of us actually take that to heart?

Pray = listening + speaking. Do it.

Wishful Thinking

First, I thought I had a stable job. Then, I lose that stable job. Then, I enjoy productive unemployment. Then I get that "stable" job back, being on call for a need basis, thinking its only part-time. Then, that job is full-time.

Ahh! So much work-related drama. Just this rollercoaster is giving me a headache. Every time something changes, I feel a mini headache coming on. Who knew that this job that I once thought was a great opportunity to give me a boost in the working world would work so much for and against me simultaneously.

Having spent two and a half months unemployed, I have to admit that I was getting quite used to it. Though it took awhile for me to find my work ethic, as you can tell from my last post, I was slowly becoming more productive and loving the simplicity of it all. It was just my novel, my family, my friends, and my church. I didn't have to add in the stress of a 40 hour work week.

Now, all of the sudden its back in full-force, but tentative. I'm not sure if the interview I had today will lead to anything or if I will be working at my old office for a considerable amount of time. I don't even know what I will be doing!

I know that God is probably teaching me something. Being so totally outside of my comfort zone is scary to me. I am paranoid and a control freak, I admit it. This whole work situation is putting me terribly outside of my element in all of those categories. My mom told me to take it just one day at a time, but I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. What can I bank on?

I am beginning to see the joys of being a stay-at-home mom. Even if you work with a home-based business like my mom does, life is simpler outside of the workplace. Not to mention, life is simpler if there are less wealthy people surrounding you, aka your boss. Haha. I have nothing against bosses and employers; I've just been able to see first hand what wealth can do to a person.

As my 0-hour-work week is being a 40-hour-work week and I'm going back dragging my feet somewhat, I am trying to see the positive side of it all. When I was unemployed but still getting severance, it was like I was being paid to not work, which spoiled me to no end. That paycheck is going to keep coming now, and I'm going to have to work for it. This was never a problem before, but now I understand why its so easy to take advantage of Unemployment Checks. You don't work and still get paid? I know its supposed to just hold you over, but its an easy rut to get stuck in.

I have this strong desire to just stay at home and write in the mornings like I did just a week ago. I have a strong desire to have free time and to sleep for 8 hours a day. I like the slow pace of life at home. I know that I can't get spoiled in such an environment, but you must see how attractive it is and how hard it is to leave it. Its so tempting to just say, "No thanks."

But someday it'll all end anyway, and I'll be back in the job pool.

This post is making no sense. LoL

That's okay. I'm just wishfully thinking anyway. Being somewhat of a whiner today. Just needed to get it out of my system.

With Time to Spare

Unemployment has been good and bad for me. I've had time to use, but I've wasted a lot of it. I have told a lot of people that I've slipped easily back into summer mode, which is the truth. I've spent a lot of time doing things that aren't very productive except for the fact of relaxation.

It's been hard trying to find work, trying to keep working on a novel, and concentrating on what is important in life overall. All of the sudden my future feels empty, and I've followed complacency instead of determination in trying to fix that.

My novel is the only thing that has really benefited from my unemployment. Well, that and my room. It's gotten cleaner, and I've made my bed more often. But my novel has blossomed with time.

It is funny how God gives us time, something that He is totally unaffected by, to help regulate us. Time reveals so much in us because it is the only thing we are constantly spending and don't know how much we have left. It gives us a measurement with which to measure our lives by. Its a gift that we both appreciate, waste, use, overuse, and take for granted every day.

I enjoy being busier, at least busier than this, and having things to do. Having a lot of free time has revealed that even stronger and clearer than before.

How are you using your time? It is so important for us to use our time for someone other than ourselves. Its the one of the most precious things to give away, in my opinion, because that moment is one-of-a-kind, something you can never buy back. When you give someone your time, its the ultimate act of showing them you care. Your time is your life. When you give live for someone, it means just as much, if not more, than when you die for them. Giving your time is giving your life.

Something that has been running through my mind recently is this: life is not about you. Our world is so obsessed with telling us its about us, our life is OURS. If our life is ours, than so many other people have access to it. One of the problems with today's society is that we think our time is ours to own, and while that is true to an extent, time is something we are constantly giving away, meaning that life is not really ours.

Who/what are you giving your time to?

Some Questions for You

Why did you come to church today?

Did you come because you had to give a sermon, lead a Bible study? Did you come because you wanted to see your friends? Did you come because you always come every Sunday? Because that is how your parents taught you to live your life? Did you come because it’s a place to go? Did you come for your kids? Did you come so that people wouldn’t ask where you were? Did you come to hide? Did you come because you have this hole inside of you that needs to be filled? Did you come to sleep? Did you come because you wanted to hear what I had to say? Did you come to answer questions? Did you come to have your questions answered? Did you come because you want people to tell you what to do? Did you come because you don’t want people to tell you what to do?

Why did you come to church today?

Did you come because there was a game afterwards? Did you come because there is nothing else better to do on a Sunday morning? Did you come because you want to argue? Did you come because you want to chat? Did you come because you want to talk with someone else who has a relationship with God? Did you come because you want to talk someone about your problems? Did you come because you like the music? Did you come because you felt obligated to? Did you come because someone asked you to? Did you come because God asked you to?

Why didn’t you come to church today?

Did you have something else more important to go to? Did you wake up late? Did you have something you were struggling with that you didn’t want anyone else to know about? Were you trying to hide? Did you not have anyone to talk to at church? Did you have no obligations? Did you have a party to go to? Did you have a sports game to take your kids to? Did you not want people asking you questions and trying to tell you the answers? Did you not want people to tell you what to do? Did you not come because you didn’t like the music?

Why didn’t you come to church today?

Did you not like the music? Were there too many people sleeping in service? Did you argue with someone there? Did you come because you have nothing in common with the people there? Did you not come because you were asked to go somewhere else? Did you not come because church can’t fix what’s wrong with you? Did you not come because God didn’t ask you to?

Why didn’t you come to church today?

Repentance

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and I feel like this Easter season has meant something more to me than it has in past years. For some reason, I understand the immense importance of the holiday better this year. The attitude of praise has become more ingrained in my life, I think...I hope. I don't want to brag. I just feel like this year, Easter feels more special. I think it has to do with my spiritual growth this year.

I believe that God has placed me in a multitude of situations this year, and more so in the past, I have been more open to receiving what God wants me to learn. I've learned a lot this past year or so. Many difficult situations and a support system has helped me grow and mature spiritually.

Now, with the accountability partners that God has placed within my life, I can more clearly see the sin in my life. Most would think that would make it easier to come to repentance, to fall before God's knees in guilt and condemnation, desperately asking for His forgiveness. This sounds horrible to say, but sometimes I think it actually makes it harder.

When I was little, I often thought that sin was something very illusive. You would walk around, living your life, and then you would tell a lie. I felt tempted as a child sometimes, and I thought that if I were just strong enough to battle my temptation, then all would be good. I didn't want to lie, not really anyway. I just wanted to get away with something. So, as a child, my understanding of repentance was just as simple as my understanding of sin.

Nowadays, sin creeps in. The temptation is not as obvious. The sin is your lifestyle, not a singular act. You understand that your attitude toward people, your attitude toward work, your attitude toward life tends to demonstrate your sinful nature. Sin is no longer being tempted to steal that extra cookie from the cookie jar or to tell your mom you did you chores when you really didn't. Sin is now treating your friend unkindly or being judgmental toward people you haven't met. Sin is how you life, not what you're doing.

With that in mind, I think now being more aware of my sin makes it harder to come to repentance. At least for me. I may be the only one (though I highly doubt it because for some reason, there is always someone else out there to commiserate with you). Now that I am aware of my sinful nature, it makes it harder to change your lifestyle. Its not just a simple act of resistance in a single moment. Its a change of lifestyle. Its changing the way you think. Its changing who you are. And because of that, you are more resistant to change. You really don't want to be nice to that person you have a hard time getting along with. You really don't want to stop being prideful or controlling. That's who you are. Especially because, as you've gotten older, you've come up with reasons/excuses for being the way you are. You've defended yourself in so many situations, that you are comfortable with the person you've become. You are okay with it. You believe that you have a right to your person.

Therefore, when it comes to conquering your sin, you are much more resistant to coming before God with a heart of repentance. A heart of repentance is when you believe what you've done is wrong and that you are sorry for what you've done and understand that God is the only one who can save you from that sin. When you have these excuses for yourself and you keep thinking, "Well, God, yeah...I wasn't too nice to her today, but seriously, did you see what she did to me?" then it is a lot harder to reach that state of repentance.

When you are little, you tell a lie, and then you feel bad (maybe because you got in trouble, but in the end, I think as a kid I did understand I had done something wrong and was sorry for it, even if my sadness was a bit selfish). You go to God (or your parents) and you're crying and you're really sorry.

Now, how many times are we really sorry for what we've done? Its harder. Or maybe its just because we're "adults" now. Or maybe its just because I'm prideful and its hard to humble myself in that way. Or maybe its just because we've become apathetic to sin. I say, "I'm prideful. I'm selfish. I'm judgmental" with full awareness of the sin, but not with a full awareness of how it separates us from God. And because we have "accepted" this sin in our lives, we just move on. Because we have "accepted" this sin in our lives, its harder to be truly repentant for it.

I am beginning to understand why it is so hard to get the "older" people to change. Why it is hard to get the people in my parent's generation to see their sins and their faults and to help change the church in a radical way. I know its hard, I've always known its hard, but now I'm understanding why its hard. And I'm beginning to come up against that wall myself.

I don't like it, but at the same time, I find my sinful nature tell me, "That's alright. You'll get over it. If you fuss over it too much, it'll just overwhelm your life and you won't be able to do anything." Then its this mental battle with the two angels on my shoulders yelling at each other.

It happens just like they say. Sometimes I wish I had an original thought, but in reality, all of this has already been thought of, experienced, discussed. As long as someone doesn't say, "I told you so." Ha.

And so, the day between Good Friday and Easter, I am struggling with a heart of repentance. I recall Psalm 51 when David was repenting for committing adultery with Bathsheba.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

The question is: how do I come to this moment? How do I approach repentance in a real way? I don't want to cheat God. I don't want to say I'm sorry when I'm really not. The hypocrisy weighs me down, but at the same time, I'm too lazy to stand up against it.

It just makes it more amazing to me that God loves people like us. I guess perhaps this understanding of God's love has made Easter more special this year. Still, I want to at least try to be worthy of God's love, and every time I mess up, I don't detect that separation. That means I have not fully comprehended the gravity of sin and the gravity of what Jesus did on the cross for us.

I pray this year for a full understanding of the gravity of my sin. I know that I have to be careful what I ask for, because God may bombard me with difficult trials so that I may learn to understand the gravity of sin, but at the same time, I know that this is something I must grasp in order to understand true repentance.

Observations

#1

I am a picky eater. I acknowledge and accept this, and Jon likes to pester me about it (because he is the extreme opposite of a picky eater).

#1.5

Being in a home where there are usually lots of people for dinner, my mother is still on "cook for the multitudes" mode. She has always been this way, for as long as I remember. This means two things: food in large quantities and leftovers. So, when I try to get food for lunch today, I can't find anything that is just for one person or that isn't a leftover (I don't really like eating leftovers). Sadly, I succumb to the simply convenient ramen in the garage. So much for eating healthier.

#2

Hair salons are awkward places. I can't imagine a job where you are expected to act like everyone's best friend all day. I don't go to hair salons much. I've only gone 4 times in my life, thus far, since my mom cut my hair my entire childhood and my hair doesn't grow very fast. I got into the hair salon and the assistant washing my hair started talking to me like we'd known each other for years, and if you don't make light-hearted conversation with the hair stylist, the silence just gets awkward.

#2.7

I cut my hair for my boyfriend. I know he likes this style, but its still something I'm having to get used to. I've never been good with doing my hair. I'm a wash it and go sort of girl. This makes it hard to cut your hair in a style that requires some management, especially if it isn't for you but for someone else.

#3

My ramen is done.

So Long, See You Tomorrow

It is a very odd feeling coming to the end of something. Thus far in my young life, I've only encountered beginnings. I have not really experienced a true ending. You end elementary school, but the end of elementary school really only means the beginning of middles school, and so and so forth. I guess that my ending today could be considered a beginning as I enter the work force, as everyone likes to put it, but really, it is an official end. Because I do not plan to go to grad school at this point in time, it is the end of school. Period. No more. No more classes, writing essays, listening to boring lectures, homework (omgosh). No more school. Its hard to wrap my mind around this concept. In fact, I have not gotten even close to accomplishing such a feat. For the past 17 years of my life, I've been in school. Its something that I understand, I function within easily, and that I am accustomed to. School is a comfortable nook in life, something that has consumed almost every aspect of it for the most part. And now, its over. Just like that.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have one essay and one final left to complete, yet the fact that today was my last official day of classes cannot escape me. I am looking at the end of schooling. It gives me a funny feeling in my stomach, but that could be because I've only eaten carbs today and the carb high is wearing off and now I'm hungry.

Now its time to start off a new stage in my life that I have previously professed to be inherently excited for. Now, I have to admit, I'm not as excited. The end to school is bittersweet, to say the least. Not that I'm going to miss homework or those pages and pages of reading, but I am going to miss the people, some of the teachers, and the simplicity that school brings. You know what your goal is. Its a clear goal, one that you can easily comprehend and understand. Its not evasive and you know exactly how much work you need to put in to get the desired outcome. Those days are going to be gone. That is something that I am going to miss. I'm also going to miss being in an environment where people are learning all the time. Granted, many college students resist this, but nevertheless you are in an environment where everyone is a sponge to a certain degree. How much they have already soaked up is another question. However, that too will be gone.

I'm hoping to be diligent once I graduate. I have a growing list of things that I told myself I'd do once I graduated, and I hope that stupidity like Bejeweled will get in the way of that. I'm not in a rush, but I am looking forward to not having to come home to more homework. That will be nice. Especially after being stuck in traffic for an hour.

So long, school. I will miss you, even though I know that I will probably enjoy this newfound freedom having graduated. I hope that you continue to prosper to give people as intense of an experience as you have granted in the past.

The End

I am SO proud of my boyfriend, Jon, for passing his portfolio examination and being prepared to graduate this quarter.

With God, all things are possible. And with His strength, we can move mountains.

Arm Hairs and Bra Straps

I have come across the notion that I do not know some of the social conduct surrounding the discussion of bodily functions and body parts and related matters in public. My sister told me of this. "You just don't talk about arm hairs in public!" she told me.

I have been ignorant of this "rule." Perhaps it is because I hang around boys and writers who talk very frankly about such things. I was not aware that talking about how I get this one thick arm hair on my forearm is impolite to talk about. I was not aware that discussing menstrual periods in public was a faux pas. These things happen to a lot of people every day. And arm hair. Its not like pubic hair. It's visible; isn't it alright to talk about?

Whatever my ignorance suggests, I do have one solid thing to say: I disagree. How silly is the social conduct if you cannot talk of something so obviously connecting everyone together? I'm sure that discussing something such as sex or sexual parts is a bit more awkward for people, just because it is personal and embarrassing, but discussing something as simple as arm hair should not be a taboo. Everyone. Has. Arm hair. Everyone! So why can't we talk about it?

I make this daily revelation relevant to two things: Bra Straps and a scene from (500) Days of Summer. Bra straps are interesting things nowadays because half of the population (mostly the older half) believes that visible bra straps are like showing your underwear in public or bearing your butt crack. The other half use bra straps as a fashion statement. It adds that extra strip of color to your shoulders. Or at the very least, you are too lazy to go to the trouble of covering them up when no one really cares anyway.

Similarly, I note the scene from (500) Days of Summer. While I would probably never do this in public or even condone this activity, when Summer yells penis in the park, you can't help but laugh. Its awkward, something that is totally a social taboo, and yet there is charm to it. The simple honesty in the comedic act holds some merit, in my opinion. Not that I want everyone yelling penis in public, but I believe we should all let discussion of natural body parts and body functions go without all of this hullabaloo.

At this point in time, everyone knows bra straps exist. While I particularly would cover up bra straps for the sake of tempting boys, the discussion of bra straps, PMS, or leg hairs between girls should not something forbidden. Likewise, discussing flab or those annoying eyebrows with co-ed audiences shouldn't be either.

This post may reveal the immense influence of my boyfriend, for prior to my relationship with him, I probably would have agreed with my sister. It just bothers me that when I'm talking about arm hairs with a bunch of girls at a youth group, that I am dinged for a faux pas. I'm just being open and honest, and hoping that the discussion of something we probably all deal with will bring us closer together. Is there something so wrong with that?

Self Image

Some females must have the exceptional ability to stay slender. I am sure some males do to--in fact, I know some males do--but for the sake of this post, I will stick with just females. Anyway, some females have the talent at staying skinny, and others don't.

There is this one girl who I have had two creative writing classes with who is exceptionally skinny. She also has tiny boobs. They are so small, I swear she doesn't need to wear a bra. But she's tall, at least as tall as me, and has long brown hair that makes her look even taller. She's skinny, and yet every class period she comes in with a VENTI coffee from Starbucks. And then in class today, she was telling the girl next to her that she stuffed herself on a Chipotle salad. Sure, it was a salad, but if I ate an entire one of those things, my pants would already be feeling tight, and I would be tempted to unbutton the top button of my jeans for relief. I wanted to gawk and be jealous, but I decided not to...at least, try not to.

I know its part of genes and genetics and all of that. My father has a belly. His lovely ability to gain fat primarily on your belly has been very ably passed down to me. Part of that has to do with my father's and my love for carbs. French fries and potatoes, especially. Potatoes have so much extra energy in them. And from what I read on WikiHow, extra carb fat tends to hang out around your belly for some reason. Wonderful.

I also know it is in part just genetics. Diabetes runs in my dad's side of the family, and diabetes-plagued people tend to gain more weight on their stomach. I'm not sure why, but that is what I have been told. Something about our ability to process sugar and all of that. I'm not sure.

I also know it is in part because of lack of exercise. My father and I aren't so good at exercising. At least Dad plays volleyball twice a week, but in his old age, I'm not so sure about the viability of that sort of work out. I'm sure its not as good as any aerobic exercise. And me, on the other hand, exercises little. People get on my case about it.

It must sound depressing that at my age, young and supposedly at the peak of my physical life, I am trying to lose belly fat. That is America for you, isn't it? Over-indulgence in French Fries. I don't want to make myself sound like a pig. I don't gorge on French Fries every night or anything, and in reality, I don't eat that much. I guess it must be the type of foods I choose to eat and my lack of exercise and my genetics all working together to maintain my bulge.

To some, this must sound crazy. Cheryl's not fat, they say. Yes, I know I'm not fat. But having struggled with self-image before, please understand it bothers me. It bothers me to no end to see some of myself hanging over the top of my jeans. It also bothers me when I know I'm not gorging myself on potatoes every day.

Eating a more balanced diet is probably what I need to do: more fruits and veggies instead of carbs and meats. I understand this. Its just hard to eat fruits and veggies when, like I am right now, shaking because I'm so hungry. You go for the high calorie foods just naturally at times like this, and even THEN you feel hungry, so you go for more. You want to be able to hold your hand up without it shaking in the air.

Something makes me wonder if there is some sort of physical disorder that I have that gives me these hunger bursts right after I've had a high calorie boba drink.

Anyway, that is my musings for today. I am jealous of those girls who can eat and stay thin. I'm not sure what it is. They must only eat one meal a day or starve themselves or just have it good, but either way, I am jealous. Even though I try not to be.

Our Best

Dear Christian Artist,

For the purpose of this post, I am going to define "artist" as anyone who produces any creative work, such as a painter, a musician, a writer, a songwriter, a movie producer, an actor/actress, a photographer, etc.

You are rare! Did you know that? You are a rare gem in the Christian world. Why? Because in the creative field, there is more freedom. You know this. Your ability to create and to twist and to pull anything you feel like. That is the freedom I'm talking about. And, of course, the world has taken that opportunity, that freedom and used creative works to demonstrate perverted and vile things. Sex, immorality, rudeness, a blurring of the truth, etc. The world has taken the expression of the human self and used it to portray ungodly material. So, the Christians left that world, that creative sector.

Why would a Christian want to participate in Hollywood, for example, if they would either have to compromise their beliefs or be picky about what they do and not get jobs? Most, I would say, do the former, and its really hard to do the latter. What the world wants to hear is what sells. So, to produce something Godly most likely wouldn't sell.

So, you are a rare specimen, and that makes you even more important. As Christians, we should together infiltrate the creative fields. We should go like an army, marching forward and taking a stand. When God calls us to be "in the world, but not of it" this is what He was talking about. We will participate in the world's creative field but not partake of the world's food.

Even more excitingly, there are creative fields where Christians have changed the genre around. Consider music for example. Before Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant in the 80s, there was hardly any popular Christian music. Look now! Christian music has its own shelf in stores like Target, Walmart, and Borders just because Christian music has just become a force. It's selling. People are buying it.

Consider next the new slue of Christian movies that are coming out nowadays. I am so inspired by Sherwood Baptist Church. Check out their movies (Flywheel, Facing the Giants, Fireproof) if you haven't already and watch the commentary on those DVDs. They are so motivated to reach the world through movies. Now we have other movies like the Narnia movies, Veggietale movies, Standing Firm, To Save a Life, Passion of the Christ, etc. that are stepping up behind the Sherwood Production movies.

However, what is working against us? Why hasn't all creative fields taken huge steps such as movies and music? Well, Christians have a tendency to produce BAD stuff. For example, take Christian fiction. This is my field, as a writer, and I'm going to frankly bash this area. Christian fiction is on a general scale horrible. In comparison to the writing available in the secular world (not saying that its all well-written but as a whole), Christian fiction doesn't have much to work with. It's often riddled with cliches, poor unrealistic characters, and very very similar plot themes and settings. I'd say that 75% of Christian fiction is set in the past, such as a Western or Victorian novel. Why? Because its easier to talk about Christian themes in a world that was more accepting of them.

Christian artists have a reputation of producing bad stuff. Why? My theory is that Christians have an awkward time of trying to get their message out. We want to try and encapsulate a person's journey to redemption in 150 pages. I also think that because so many talented Christians have left the public field, sticking to use their creative skills in other areas or in smaller venues such as their home church, there isn't as large of a talent pool to choose from.

This astounds me! As Christians, we have access to the Creator of ideas! Shouldn't we be owning everyone? We should be having such creative and mind-boggling ideas that we take the creative fields by storm. Every single one of them. And look why the Christian music and movie industry are taking off! Because the quality is good. Non-Christians would be willing to sit through some preaching because its good. I don't know how many comments in response to Sherwood films on Youtube that I saw that said, "I'm not religious or anything, but I would totally see this."

We have no excuse, in my opinion, to be putting out mediocre stuff. We should be trying our hardest and depending on God to supplement to produce something that both God and the world will deem worthy of attention. We've got God on our side. What have we to lose?

I am writing this as a call to Christian artists everywhere to embrace your field of choice. USE it to glorify God in all that you do. You may be poor and starving, as the saying goes, but lean on God to give you wholesome success for your creativity. God created the world in seven days. Think of how awesome His inspiration is going to be in our lives. Let us step out into the world, and show them what we've got. Let our work shine because its got the Creator's fingerprints all over it.

Passion

Passion is defined by dictionary.com as:

1.	any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2.	strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

3.	strong sexual desire; lust.

4.	an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

5.	a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

6.	a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.

7.	the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.

8.	an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.

9.	violent anger.

10.	the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action ).

11.	(often initial capital letter) Theology. a. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper. b. the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.

12.	Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.

I find it intensely interesting the varied usages of this word.  Built into the word passion is not just strong emotions, but anger (#9), a somewhat lack of self-control (#8), Jesus Christ's death (#11), suffering and death (#12), love (#2 & #7), lust (#3), and lack of agency or being subject to something else (#10).  The definitions cover such a large range of emotions.

Some thing that I find in common is passion is often associated with something strong or taken to the extreme.  Anger, lust, love, suffering...those are all extreme emotions or states of being.  Also, there is somewhat built into this definition a lack of self-control.  In definitions 10, 11, and 12, it is implied that passionate people are subject to the wills or desires of those things or people they are passionate about.  That is also somewhat inherent in the love, lust, and hate definitions.  

Passionate people are not totally in control of themselves because they are so invested in the object of their passion that such object thus gains power or control over the passionate.  

Although we don't like to think about passionate people being in a position of insubordination, its important to think about.  Jesus for instance was put into this position when He went to the cross to die for us.  He loved us so much that He allowed for that love and passion to lead him to suffering.  Jesus allowed the human government to have control over Him because of His passion for us.  Wow. 

But at the same time, lowly humans such as myself dislike being subject to our objects of passion.  We do not have the ability such as Jesus to choose to be put into insubordination, knowing that we could get out of it if we pleased.  It begins to feel like a sort of slavery to your passion, like you are stuck.  Also, to be passionate about something inherently demands risk.  You can't be passionate about something without risking yourself and putting yourself in the line of fire of someone.  Because no matter what you choose to be passionate about, there will always be someone who will be passionate about the opposite. 

I do believe that I am a passionate person, and this often gets me into trouble.  I dislike apathy so much, and I demand that others be passionate about something as well.  I have little patience for those who are apathetic, and this makes me a prideful, not very understand person.  I have a problem being compassionate, at times.  I do believe that the reasons I have listed are some of the big reasons why people aren't passionate.  It just takes more time and energy to care about something.  Its harder than not caring at all.  So, to that extent, I "understand" (at least I think so) why people are not passionate. 

But then I get frustrated.  Can't they see that there are so many things out there in the world that need saving?  If there were just a handful more passionate people in the world, then perhaps we could save some of them.

I have to apologize publicly for my Valentine's Day post a couple weeks ago.  That post was aimed at apathetic people, those who whine on Valentine's Day for their own self-pity.  It was not intended to stomp all over the hearts of those who have been through broken relationships or those who are missing someone.  Please understand that my passion often gets the best of me, and I lash out.  I apologize, and I hope that my few Internet readers will forgive me for some of the things I say that are insensitive.  I hope to try and be more universally understanding when I post in the future. 

Thank you. 

Chicken Nuggets and Panera's

I'm getting really tired of people's apathy, especially the apathy of those around me.  Yes, I know it takes guts to CARE about something, but can you please just...try?  It's really starting to bug me. At the very least, please care about what God thinks of you.

I'm also getting sort of worried that I'm just coming off too strong, that I'm demanding people have too high of a standard, that I'm being just like my parents which means judgmental and hypocritical and not very understanding.  People just don't often understand my point of view, and I often don't remember that there are different points of view.  So, as a result, I start feeling like giving up.  But that is just making ME apathetic, isn't it?

Maybe thats why I'm getting this stressed out feeling.  I've invested "too" much into my friends' lives, and they are just don't care that I have decided to devote this aspect of myself to them.  (But then again, that's been a theme, hasn't it?  So why the stress now?)  It's getting harder to trust them.  I know that love should be forgiving and trusting, but how far are you supposed to be their friend if you don't trust them?  And is it wrong to feel more comfortable with other people, and to want to spend time with them instead?

Valentine's Day

It's February, the red and pink month.  As always, I am baffled by the evermore popular "Singles Awareness Day" celebrated during this 28 day period.  As much as I know I have no place to say anything, I'll say it anyway: isn't that a little pathetic?

I'm not saying celebrating singleness is bad.  Despite the fact that Valentine's Day is probably my second favorite holiday behind Christmas, I understand that there are plenty of people who rejoice in the opportunities presented by being single, but many people celebrate "SAD" because they wish they didn't have to.

I've posted a note on Facebook before talking about how Valentine's Day should be about celebrating love, not necessarily just romantic love, but love for your friends, your family, your neighbors, etc.  God gave us an incredible opportunity TO LOVE.  Shouldn't we partake in that blessing a little more often?  

Jon and I are often put in the "other" category when it comes to relationships.  We're often categorized by other single people as too good to be true, lucky, married, or something of the sort.  Everyone seems to understand we aren't a normal dating relationship, which by itself I am okay with.  However, I do come to resent the fact that we are an "other" as well.  True, Jon and I have something special, I'm not going to deny that.  But also, we had to work for it, and we were just like everyone else in the beginning as well.  

When people ask me what makes my relationship work, I always tell them about how Jon was so invested in the relationship in the beginning and it was his leadership that kept us going through those tough first two and a half years.  Jon doesn't like that telling because although he knows it holds some truth, he likes to cite my determination as well.  But coming from this girl, I was just going along for the ride in the beginning.  I had no idea that a relationship took so much time, energy, dedication, commitment, and endurance.  Jon did.  He invested so much into making me happy, and I didn't even realize.  

Maybe its because we're high school sweethearts that people discount Jon's and my relationship as a fairy tale.  Maybe because it doesn't happen that the first person you happen to date seriously ends up being the person you chose to marry.  Maybe it's that.  Maybe its because people often don't see the mistakes we've made or the tough journeys that we have been through.  Or maybe they are jealous?  I don't know.  I just wish people understood that our relationship is not easy, that it is attainable for you too, and that love is selfless.

I've learned so much from being in a relationship with Jon.  I've learned how God loves, even through the imperfect love that we try to show each other day to day.  I've learned a little bit better about what unconditional love means, and how difficult we make it for God to love us.  I've learned about what true desire is, and how we are supposed to desire God just as much as we desire our significant other, if not more.  I've also learned that God created us as very social beings.  We NEED other people.  God made us that way because while He doesn't need us in the same way we need Him, He loves interaction, relationships, being.

My prayer is that more people understand that not being attached doesn't have any relation to how attractive you are as a person.  I also pray that more people are willing to wait for a Godly relationship and not just give away such a huge part of themselves because they start to get desperate.  While God created the wonderful institution of marriage, He also called us to rejoice when we are single.  

Relationships are sticky things.  You don't ever come out of any relationship (not just romantic) unscathed or unchanged.  That is why it is so important that we seek healthy relationships and that we risk part of ourselves every time we enter into one.  Because if you don't seek a healthy relationship, when you risk part of yourself, it'll get ugly.  And if you seek a healthy relationship, but you don't risk part of yourself, it won't go anywhere. 

But again, all of this coming from someone who has dated the same wonderful Godly man for 5+ years, I pretty much lose all "legitimacy" because I "have it too good." (Sorry, slight rant.)  I don't really understand that because while, true, I have not known what it feels like to be single and feel unattractive or unloved, I do know what is possible and how wonderful growing and learning with someone else is.  I wish that for everyone.  I do.  What God has created is incredible. 

Characters

Note: I have an essay due tomorrow that I've only half completed.  Senioritis is horrid. 
Note 2: I walked in the rain today without an umbrella so I could pick up Starbucks for my coworkers.  It was fun.  When I tried to use an umbrella, the wind flipped it inside out, reminding me of Mary Poppins. Awesome. 


You learn a lot about the nature of God studying people.  As a writer and a lover of good characters, I tend to be over-observant.  I eavesdrop and spy and watch and stare (warning for those who sit in restaurants near me).  I like to learn about people, how they work, why they do things, what makes them tick, etc.  You'll notice that when I'm interacting with people, I always try to understand them before I take action.  The problem is sometimes I'm wrong, my assumption, though based on good evidence, does not withstand the truth.  However, what I have learned is the intricacy of humans.  People are varied infinitely, so much so that often people don't even understand themselves.  


I don't like psychology.  It tries to categorize people too much, see them as "science" rather than "creations."  It would please me very much to take the "-logy" out of the word and just leave it as is.  "I'm majoring in psycho.  What are you majoring in?"  That would be much more interesting.


There are a lot of people that puzzle me because while I like to understand, sometimes I'm not very understanding.  I have a problem with judging and seeing things from another way other than my own.  I think this is a problem that runs in my entire family.  


My dad was mentioning the other day how all of my friends have messed up families.  I agreed, because its true.  A good majority of my close friends have problematic families.  I told my dad that I tend to be friends with genuine people, and with that, you often get "messed up families" in this generation.  My dad was commenting on how some people don't have any messed up friends.  I said then their friends were usually shallow.


Blanket statements like that...I really shouldn't say them.  I'm sure there isn't really a shallow person out there.  There are just a lot of people who shut the rest of the wealth that is their personality up in some distant recess of their mind so they can function.  There are just too many generalizations because in such a varied world of personalities, the only way to make sense of them is to make generalizations and in the end, cheat yourself out of the wealth humanity has to offer.


This takes me back to God's character.  He created all of these people.  It astounds me how people are so receptive, subconsciously mainly, to the circumstances of their childhood.  People are so shaped by how they grow up.  (This makes me want to just be a totally awesome, Godly parent. It really does.)  It interests me so much how little things in people's pasts become the rudder for the rest of their lives.  I love how God has imprinted His love of design and variation and differences in the world of personalities everyone has out there.  


I have to admit though...some of those personalities drive me mad.  


With that in mind, I want the goal of my stories to focus on the characters.  Because what is the point if you don't learn something new about people when you read literature?  Even books that would never make it into the "classics" category.  If it has creatively and aptly helped to reveal something (not necessarily new) about humans and the "human experience" (which is just a fancy name for "life" or "relationships"), then I would consider it a well-written piece.  Why?  Because it had a good purpose.  


I hope my writing is like that.  


PS - Why is my posts the only ones that look messed up in terms of formatting? 

Saturday Afternoon

I have been able to sleep in recently, which ironically, was something I just told Amy that I couldn't do anymore.  I was thinking about the reason why I was able to sleep in twice this weekend this morning after I woke up at 11:30, only because my lovely father who is trying to stand up for my mother's ideals woke us up at that time about an hour after he had awaken.  


It is sort of disconcerting to wake up late, considering I know I have tons of things to do, but this is what I do after I wake up: surf Facebook and write a blog entry.  I haven't even showered yet.  I think I am stressed.  Why else would my body find so much solace in sleeping?  But if I am stressed, I'm not sure where the stress is coming from.  I don't feel stressed.  Do I?  I'm not sure.  


With the risk of making me sound like a clingy girlfriend, perhaps my "stress" is related to not seeing my boyfriend for four days this week (which is abnormal, sorry).  I don't know what it is, but when I'm with him, I feel complete, and when I'm not, I feel like I'm missing something.  So its an endless cycle of waiting until the next time I see him to feel whole again.  I'm not sure how much of that is a good thing and a bad thing, though most people I talk to argue for its dangerousness.  I don't know.  Most people I know don't understand what its like to be in a "steady" relationship, for lack of a better term, and all of the things that go along with it.  I've tried to explain it to people, but they don't get it, so I've stopped trying.  


So, perhaps I am stressed, but right now I feel like I'm in a hazy sort of daze, sitting in my dimmed room with the blinds still closed but letting in cracks of sunlight, and my computer screen, the brightest light in the room, illuminating my oily hair and face, while I listen gladly to the sound of the keyboard as I type and the appearance of the words in my mind onto the computer screen.  Sometimes I think I update this blog simply because I like to hear myself type.  

Mother Madness

*Warning: First real(?) rant post*

Things my mom does that tend to bug me to no end (causing me to instantly act irritable toward her in response) but I'm not sure why they bug me are:

1...when she asks me to do something last minute

2...when she tries to talk to me when I'm on the phone

3...when she asks me to deliver something to her company for her

Analysis of #1:

Perhaps I get bothered by this because I'm not very flexible with my schedule. I know I like to stick to my schedule, but when things come up, I'm not so frustrated with those things, am I? Or maybe it is because I'm trying desperately to make my schedule independent of hers and she assumes that I have nothing else to do and can just wake up that one hour earlier to go do something I hadn't planned on doing that it'll be okay. Or maybe it is because I'm a control freak and don't like my precious schedule messed with. Or maybe I don't like the unknown throwing me off guard. But I don't think that I'm as irritable (and as instantly irritable) with anything else that does this to my schedule but her. Or maybe its just because I don't like to lose sleep.

Possible Conclusion: because I'm trying desperately to make my schedule independent of hers

Analysis of #2:

This I am pretty sure I know why it bothers me. I try not to talk to my mom when she's on the phone. When we were little, she set up this system that we had to put our hand on her shoulder and she would get to us at a good point in the conversation. However, I'm usually on the phone in my room, so when my mom is yelling at me from across the house, she does not know I am on the phone. But it still bugs me when I have to yell an answer back, and then she asks ANOTHER questions and my annoyed tone does not signal to her my annoyance.

Possible Conclusion: because she's being hypocritical

Analysis of #3:

This one still boggles me. Lots of times she asks me to deliver something, I am on the way. My work is right next door. Why not? Its convenient. I still get bothered and annoyed and irritable. Other times, she asks me when I'm not so close by (like school) and its a 10 minute drive out of my way. I should be kind and just deliver it for her. But for some reason, I hate it. It feels like she is taking advantage of me, because I am the only person she can ask. Which is ironic because she warned me against taking care of my friend's cat too much because of the same reason. Isn't she doing the same thing to me? Blah. I should be nicer, I should just deliver the package/take care of the cat without getting all angry that they are messing with what I had originally planned. Or is this intimately related to my anger in regards to issue #1? 

Possible Conclusion: inconclusive

Mothers...and I'm going to be just like her when I get old. I know it. Which just makes it worse.