So, its 2010. Normally, I'm not much into celebrating New Year's. I've probably stated this somewhere else on the Internet, but it doesn't feel like a beginning to me. I would love to celebrate beginnings or endings that were actually beginnings. But the only thing in 2010 that is beginning is a new number to write on papers and a new quarter. To me, not much of a beginning. I'd much rather celebrate the beginning of summer or even the beginning of the school year to the end of the Christmas season.
However, this year is a bit different. First, it dawned on me that...hey, 2010 is a new decade. What the heck! Where did the last decade go? It went by so fast. And I sound so old for saying that. But more importantly, I started looking ahead (as I do probably too often) and started to notice impending *insert word here* (word choices: a) doom, b) changes, c) possibilities, d) none of the above). Dude. This year is THE year for watching my whole life turn upside down. And the thing that is weird is that I know there is no way around it, minus failing school, which arguably would have the same result anyway. This year, I am looking at my graduation in March, starting full time work, facing for the first time myself and my "pen" (am I a real writer?), and probably an engagement tossed in there somewhere. Not to mention I ended 2009 buying a car. Which was totally out of the blue.
I am not really mentally ready to start my adult life. But then again, who is? I doubt anyone could claim such a feat. I am feeling sort of frantic at this point because there aren't that many people I know who are in the same position as me. Most of the people I know are taking life in chunks. Handling the career before the marriage. Or handling the marriage before the career. Or something of that sort. (It's too late for me to think of better, more realistic permutations.) I'm trying to take a huge bite of both.
Props to Jon for being able to handle everything. I don't see how he bought that house and still manages to see straight.
So, in the most circuitous way, this year both scares and excites me. I am both apprehensive, nervous and eager, excited. I am looking at the end of what I know but what I am tired of. I am looking at the beginning of what I have been looking forward to yet know nothing about. I know that it is silly of me to say such simple things. Everyone knows change is scary because of the unknown. And everyone knows I don't handle the unknown very well. Maybe that is why I tell myself over and over again why I'm scared.
I want to charge into 2010 and embrace all of the things it has to offer. Especially since the changes are so inevitable. But at the same time, I'm not ready. And I'm afraid of not being ready. More than of the unknown.
I feel like there is a lot on my mind right now, and its making it harder to go to sleep nowadays. I'm trying to learn what it means to be a faithful wife, a good steward, a dedicated writer, a valuable employee, a Godly leader, and a loving daughter/sister all at the same time. And these things are all at the forefront of my mind. I'm started to feel swamped.
I guess writing here doesn't really aid me at all. I am only getting out on "paper" what I have been mulling over in my head for the past few days. Which makes me feel like this post was totally pointless and that I wasted twenty minutes of my time/sleep. But at the same time, I know this is a somewhat small, desperate cry for an understanding ear. I guess that is what I get for not having many close friends. I am forced to depend, yet again, on my writing for my solace.
Wow, the more I write this, the more lame I feel. Perhaps I should stop now.
*Edit - And the font STILL doesn't work....
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