Still, small voice

Since my last post, much has happened and little has happened.

I'm working full-time now at my old job. It just goes to show that you can never anticipate what is going to happen next in your story. Never would I have guessed! Seriously. Work seems mundane now. I can't go back to it after having that one glorious week of writing. Now, its hardly as exciting as working on my novel every morning and having TIME. Oh, glorious time. Going BACK to work after having had time to do whatever I needed is definitely harder than it was when switching from school to full-time mode. At least that eased me into it. This was like time just got sucked from my life. Boo.

Fall has arrived and I am eagerly enjoying fall fashions and coats and boots and the rain. Fall is definitely the best time to go shopping.

So now, everything seems back to "normal". Sort of like the way I had imagined it would be prior to July. Odd, isn't it?

Last night, I was praying. I have to admit that it is hard for me to pray because I always feel like I'm talking to a wall. Or like I'm talking to someone on the phone that doesn't SAY anything back. Praying has always been about me, until recently I realized that I was praying only for my own benefit. Having ready Crazy Love by Francis Chan, a book which I recommend highly to any Christian, all of the sudden my world has been turned upside down and I feel somewhat uncomfortable in the place that I'm in because its too comfortable. I'm daring to make changes in my mind but fear has kept me only inching along.

Anyway, I was praying last night and I told God, "Please help me with the sermon I have to give on Sunday. I really want it to be Your words, not mine." Then, I thought instantly, "You should go over it tomorrow aloud to see how long it is." And then I thought, "You also probably could compare it to last year's sermon if you're worried about length." The tone of those two sentences were so gentle that it startled me, because I'm normally not very gentle with myself. Then something occurred to me. What if those brilliant ideas weren't mine but God's? What if...that was HIM speaking?!

All of the sudden I was frozen still. I whispered, "God, was that you?" No response. But there was something about the way those sentences had sounded in my head. The way they had gently slid into my conscious and felt like an instant good idea.

Whether it was God or not, I don't think it really matters. What I think is most important is that we often give ourselves credit for something that God has done. What if God has talking to me through good ideas this whole time? I'm worried about something and He gives me a solution, but I think it's mine. Plagiarism! That's what it is. That dreaded word that we all avoid in school. We're doing it with God. Wow. Doesn't that make you feel wonderful?

I'm pretty sure I've plagiarized God's ideas plenty of times after last night. I tried talking to God more last night, hoping to hear that exciting "still, small voice" which is definitely what it felt like, but God alas did not "speak" to me again in that way. I think I was trying too hard? I don't know. I don't understand why God talks or how He talks or what. I just know...I need to stop and listen more.

God does talk to us while in prayer and the concept had always alluded me because I was too wrapped up in my own words, the words that I had to desperately communicate to God. I've always known that prayer is supposed to be a two-way street, but how many of us actually take that to heart?

Pray = listening + speaking. Do it.