Being Clay

Wrote this post and posted it on my writer's blog.  Enjoy!

http://cheryldwong.blogspot.com/2011/02/being-clay.html

I've been engaged almost three months, and this period of time has yield a lot of struggle and learning.  I feel like the clay in the Potter's hands, being molded and pushed and smashed and turned.  It's been a frustrating sort of pain.  You know that you are going to come out better, bolder, smarter, but you feel your insides turn at the thought of going through another round on that potter's wheel.  It hurts.  And even though the goal of a "better me" and a "better marriage" and a "better relationship" dangles above like a carrot, you can't help but focus on the pain at present and wish you could just skip to the end.

My sister took a pottery class in college.  She told us around the dinner table the first time she saw her professor work the clay on the spinning wheel.  She said the clay looked like water in his hands.  He moved it up and down, using his hands to mold and move the clay into various shapes.  He would knead the clay, stretching it and then putting it back into a lump and then stretching it again.  My sister is more show than tell, so she moved her hands, mimicking his movements and telling us how she remembered thinking, "I can do that."  It looked so easy, of course.

Her professor impressed on his students that just the right amount of water is needed.  Too much and the clay slides off the wheel when it spins.  Too little and it won't move when you press your hands to it.  He said the moisture of the clay is important to a good pot.

My sister then proceeded to her own wheel and naturally, she did not move the clay as easily as he did.  Some of her peers had flying balls of mush spinning off their wheels, but her clay was a rock.  She sprinkled more water, and it still didn't move.  How had her professor made it look so easy?  She pushed and pressed and punched and her clay remained a rock.

This turned into a discussion of how our Potter feels when He tries to mold us.  I can imagine that I'm much like the clay without enough water.  I'm stubborn and prideful, and those things make me immobile.  Not to mention I don't like change.  God patiently tries to mold me with His hands, and I resist, screaming, "No!  I don't want to change!"  I imagine others are like the ones with too much water.  They just spin off the wheel and run away.

These past few months have been full of spending time on the Potter's wheel.  Premarital counseling has opened up a lot of opportunities for change and growth, and while in my head I understand that I need to reform myself, I find that I am resistant to climbing out of my cozy little hole.  And I can't admit that I even dug myself this hole.

As I've spent time in this period of my life, I've begun to see insight into character.  We can't understand character unless we get to know someone other than ourselves.  Understand is a heavy word.  Its not just understanding; its understanding.  Sorry, poor English means having to use italics to make a point.  Let's put it this way.  One way the verb "to understand" is defined is "to be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of". That is a definition with of "to understand" with an object.  Without an object, "to understand" is defined as "to perceive what is meant; grasp the information conveyed, to accept tolerantly or sympathetically".

To understand my husband-to-be is to be both thoroughly familiar with him and his character and to also know him so well that I can interpret what he says, grasp the meaning he tries to convey in the words he says.    I've been dating this man for 6+ years and this is still difficult.  More difficult now as we try to blend our lives together.

Everyone tells everyone else that communication is the key to a relationship.  True, of course.  However, I do not think it is as much the communication that is as difficult but the development of understanding.  Understanding has a lot of things built into it: sympathy, empathy at times, humility, and an ability to put one's self into a third person perspective.

As I've attempted (and failed) to understand my fiancé, I've begun to see how character is intricately more difficult than any other thing in a story.  To accurately convey a person in the confines of words, allowing for this complexity and reality.  Its something next to impossible to truly achieve.  People try.  And a lot of writers get quite close.  To truly accomplish it is something extra-ordinary.

As I've spent time on my Potter's wheel, I begin to see the intricacy of His creation, my own stubborn flaws, and opportunity to hold a richness of life that I have yet to tap into. 

The Power of Prayer

Double the Fun!

For those who do not know, I have an author's blog at www.cheryldwong.blogspot.com. It is what I update periodically for my potential audience as an author. The posts are mostly writing related, but one of my other writer friends encourages me to combine my personal and writer blog. Recently, my writer blog's posts have leaned more personal than in the past and I have a hard time figuring out what to post where.

I like my personal blog and my writer's blog. I guess its just not as much of a point to have both. But for now, I'm too lazy to make the transition to just one.

So, if you would please, you can follow both of my blogs as well as both of my Twitter feeds! My Twitter names are missweird13 and CherylDWong. Like I said, personal and writer feeds. Really should combine, but at this point, I'm like..."Why? When I'm just going to change my name soon and everything is going to have to change anyway?"

Haha...so, we'll see. Anyway, you can follow both for twice the Cheryl fun! If you can stand it. ;)

Engaging

It's been awhile since I've posted...a, ahem, long while. And so much has happened. Holidays, busyness, work, writing, smiles, tears, laughter. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, yes, even an engagement.

Can you believe it? I'm engaged.

I've been waiting for a long time, although now looking back in retrospect, I wasn't ready until this year. Even though I've been waiting for what seems like years, God knew that I had to wait. That I still had growing up to do. And I still have growing up to do, but I've grown up enough.

Its amazing what God can teach you from a haphazard relationship with a boy. Well, a man. Sometimes it boggles my mind how much I've grown in the past 6 years and almost 4 months. How learning how to love this person can teach me so much about myself, so much about God, so much about how love works. It doesn't operate well with selfishness or pride or arrogance (which I am slowly learning is different from pride) but demands humility, compromise, and dedication.

Something that surprises me is my lack of enthusiasm for the wedding. Now, don't get me wrong, I am DYING to get married. I am just a lot less excited about the wedding than I thought I would be. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm excited about the wedding. I like the dress shopping and the color picking and the idea brainstorming. I just thought that I would get more butterflies in my stomach trying on white dresses and veils and that I would feel more jitters looking at churches and reception halls.

But no, what gave me the most jitters and butterflies was walking around Kohl's hand-in-hand with my husband-to-be and choosing what color our bedspread should be. Selecting the items for our registry sent me into long moments of daydreaming about moving my things into his house and waking up next to him.

I guess that's a good thing. It's just somewhat disconcerting, considering that half of my life I've been daydreaming about my wedding day and preparing for my wedding day. Who knew that when the time finally came to prepare, that I'd be day dreaming about the life after. I guess that is because when you are single, all you can imagine is being chosen by someone. And then when you're together with someone, you don't want to just be chosen. You want to be one.

This might be too much information for some people. I always find it a bit awkward to read about other people's relationships, especially if the information is intimate. It's just something that I didn't anticipate. Maybe its just me. Maybe I've been dating too long. Who knows? All I know is that I'm not looking forward as much to August 21 as I am to August 22.

Character Studies

It frustrates me so much to see evidence of the Devil's work in the church. People don't like to talk about Satan much. His name just brings a sense of foreboding to a room. But I think its necessary to talk about him. The devil needs to be just as much a character as God is. We need to understand his tactics and his methods just like we need to understand God's. Why? Then we can understand when we see his work in the world.

Everyone says we need to study God's character so we can see God in the world and understand Him. Same for the devil, but for a different purpose. We need to understand him to avoid him, to point out his influence and rule him out of our lives.

Its worse when its in the church. You see the evil (yes, I said evil) and you are like, "Hello?!?!" You are waving your hands up and down but the Devil's got them good. Because he's smart like that. Yes, he's smart. He's brilliant. That makes him even more dangerous.

Not saying that God isn't all-powerful, but God allows the devil to have influence in the world because He loves the devil just like He loves us. And I believe that. God allows the devil to have free will. Someday, though, God will defeat him. In the mean time, we need to understand when we see the devil's influence and point it out.

I am frustrated...we're not supposed to see the devil's influence at church more than God's.

Still, small voice

Since my last post, much has happened and little has happened.

I'm working full-time now at my old job. It just goes to show that you can never anticipate what is going to happen next in your story. Never would I have guessed! Seriously. Work seems mundane now. I can't go back to it after having that one glorious week of writing. Now, its hardly as exciting as working on my novel every morning and having TIME. Oh, glorious time. Going BACK to work after having had time to do whatever I needed is definitely harder than it was when switching from school to full-time mode. At least that eased me into it. This was like time just got sucked from my life. Boo.

Fall has arrived and I am eagerly enjoying fall fashions and coats and boots and the rain. Fall is definitely the best time to go shopping.

So now, everything seems back to "normal". Sort of like the way I had imagined it would be prior to July. Odd, isn't it?

Last night, I was praying. I have to admit that it is hard for me to pray because I always feel like I'm talking to a wall. Or like I'm talking to someone on the phone that doesn't SAY anything back. Praying has always been about me, until recently I realized that I was praying only for my own benefit. Having ready Crazy Love by Francis Chan, a book which I recommend highly to any Christian, all of the sudden my world has been turned upside down and I feel somewhat uncomfortable in the place that I'm in because its too comfortable. I'm daring to make changes in my mind but fear has kept me only inching along.

Anyway, I was praying last night and I told God, "Please help me with the sermon I have to give on Sunday. I really want it to be Your words, not mine." Then, I thought instantly, "You should go over it tomorrow aloud to see how long it is." And then I thought, "You also probably could compare it to last year's sermon if you're worried about length." The tone of those two sentences were so gentle that it startled me, because I'm normally not very gentle with myself. Then something occurred to me. What if those brilliant ideas weren't mine but God's? What if...that was HIM speaking?!

All of the sudden I was frozen still. I whispered, "God, was that you?" No response. But there was something about the way those sentences had sounded in my head. The way they had gently slid into my conscious and felt like an instant good idea.

Whether it was God or not, I don't think it really matters. What I think is most important is that we often give ourselves credit for something that God has done. What if God has talking to me through good ideas this whole time? I'm worried about something and He gives me a solution, but I think it's mine. Plagiarism! That's what it is. That dreaded word that we all avoid in school. We're doing it with God. Wow. Doesn't that make you feel wonderful?

I'm pretty sure I've plagiarized God's ideas plenty of times after last night. I tried talking to God more last night, hoping to hear that exciting "still, small voice" which is definitely what it felt like, but God alas did not "speak" to me again in that way. I think I was trying too hard? I don't know. I don't understand why God talks or how He talks or what. I just know...I need to stop and listen more.

God does talk to us while in prayer and the concept had always alluded me because I was too wrapped up in my own words, the words that I had to desperately communicate to God. I've always known that prayer is supposed to be a two-way street, but how many of us actually take that to heart?

Pray = listening + speaking. Do it.

Wishful Thinking

First, I thought I had a stable job. Then, I lose that stable job. Then, I enjoy productive unemployment. Then I get that "stable" job back, being on call for a need basis, thinking its only part-time. Then, that job is full-time.

Ahh! So much work-related drama. Just this rollercoaster is giving me a headache. Every time something changes, I feel a mini headache coming on. Who knew that this job that I once thought was a great opportunity to give me a boost in the working world would work so much for and against me simultaneously.

Having spent two and a half months unemployed, I have to admit that I was getting quite used to it. Though it took awhile for me to find my work ethic, as you can tell from my last post, I was slowly becoming more productive and loving the simplicity of it all. It was just my novel, my family, my friends, and my church. I didn't have to add in the stress of a 40 hour work week.

Now, all of the sudden its back in full-force, but tentative. I'm not sure if the interview I had today will lead to anything or if I will be working at my old office for a considerable amount of time. I don't even know what I will be doing!

I know that God is probably teaching me something. Being so totally outside of my comfort zone is scary to me. I am paranoid and a control freak, I admit it. This whole work situation is putting me terribly outside of my element in all of those categories. My mom told me to take it just one day at a time, but I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. What can I bank on?

I am beginning to see the joys of being a stay-at-home mom. Even if you work with a home-based business like my mom does, life is simpler outside of the workplace. Not to mention, life is simpler if there are less wealthy people surrounding you, aka your boss. Haha. I have nothing against bosses and employers; I've just been able to see first hand what wealth can do to a person.

As my 0-hour-work week is being a 40-hour-work week and I'm going back dragging my feet somewhat, I am trying to see the positive side of it all. When I was unemployed but still getting severance, it was like I was being paid to not work, which spoiled me to no end. That paycheck is going to keep coming now, and I'm going to have to work for it. This was never a problem before, but now I understand why its so easy to take advantage of Unemployment Checks. You don't work and still get paid? I know its supposed to just hold you over, but its an easy rut to get stuck in.

I have this strong desire to just stay at home and write in the mornings like I did just a week ago. I have a strong desire to have free time and to sleep for 8 hours a day. I like the slow pace of life at home. I know that I can't get spoiled in such an environment, but you must see how attractive it is and how hard it is to leave it. Its so tempting to just say, "No thanks."

But someday it'll all end anyway, and I'll be back in the job pool.

This post is making no sense. LoL

That's okay. I'm just wishfully thinking anyway. Being somewhat of a whiner today. Just needed to get it out of my system.

With Time to Spare

Unemployment has been good and bad for me. I've had time to use, but I've wasted a lot of it. I have told a lot of people that I've slipped easily back into summer mode, which is the truth. I've spent a lot of time doing things that aren't very productive except for the fact of relaxation.

It's been hard trying to find work, trying to keep working on a novel, and concentrating on what is important in life overall. All of the sudden my future feels empty, and I've followed complacency instead of determination in trying to fix that.

My novel is the only thing that has really benefited from my unemployment. Well, that and my room. It's gotten cleaner, and I've made my bed more often. But my novel has blossomed with time.

It is funny how God gives us time, something that He is totally unaffected by, to help regulate us. Time reveals so much in us because it is the only thing we are constantly spending and don't know how much we have left. It gives us a measurement with which to measure our lives by. Its a gift that we both appreciate, waste, use, overuse, and take for granted every day.

I enjoy being busier, at least busier than this, and having things to do. Having a lot of free time has revealed that even stronger and clearer than before.

How are you using your time? It is so important for us to use our time for someone other than ourselves. Its the one of the most precious things to give away, in my opinion, because that moment is one-of-a-kind, something you can never buy back. When you give someone your time, its the ultimate act of showing them you care. Your time is your life. When you give live for someone, it means just as much, if not more, than when you die for them. Giving your time is giving your life.

Something that has been running through my mind recently is this: life is not about you. Our world is so obsessed with telling us its about us, our life is OURS. If our life is ours, than so many other people have access to it. One of the problems with today's society is that we think our time is ours to own, and while that is true to an extent, time is something we are constantly giving away, meaning that life is not really ours.

Who/what are you giving your time to?

Some Questions for You

Why did you come to church today?

Did you come because you had to give a sermon, lead a Bible study? Did you come because you wanted to see your friends? Did you come because you always come every Sunday? Because that is how your parents taught you to live your life? Did you come because it’s a place to go? Did you come for your kids? Did you come so that people wouldn’t ask where you were? Did you come to hide? Did you come because you have this hole inside of you that needs to be filled? Did you come to sleep? Did you come because you wanted to hear what I had to say? Did you come to answer questions? Did you come to have your questions answered? Did you come because you want people to tell you what to do? Did you come because you don’t want people to tell you what to do?

Why did you come to church today?

Did you come because there was a game afterwards? Did you come because there is nothing else better to do on a Sunday morning? Did you come because you want to argue? Did you come because you want to chat? Did you come because you want to talk with someone else who has a relationship with God? Did you come because you want to talk someone about your problems? Did you come because you like the music? Did you come because you felt obligated to? Did you come because someone asked you to? Did you come because God asked you to?

Why didn’t you come to church today?

Did you have something else more important to go to? Did you wake up late? Did you have something you were struggling with that you didn’t want anyone else to know about? Were you trying to hide? Did you not have anyone to talk to at church? Did you have no obligations? Did you have a party to go to? Did you have a sports game to take your kids to? Did you not want people asking you questions and trying to tell you the answers? Did you not want people to tell you what to do? Did you not come because you didn’t like the music?

Why didn’t you come to church today?

Did you not like the music? Were there too many people sleeping in service? Did you argue with someone there? Did you come because you have nothing in common with the people there? Did you not come because you were asked to go somewhere else? Did you not come because church can’t fix what’s wrong with you? Did you not come because God didn’t ask you to?

Why didn’t you come to church today?

Repentance

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and I feel like this Easter season has meant something more to me than it has in past years. For some reason, I understand the immense importance of the holiday better this year. The attitude of praise has become more ingrained in my life, I think...I hope. I don't want to brag. I just feel like this year, Easter feels more special. I think it has to do with my spiritual growth this year.

I believe that God has placed me in a multitude of situations this year, and more so in the past, I have been more open to receiving what God wants me to learn. I've learned a lot this past year or so. Many difficult situations and a support system has helped me grow and mature spiritually.

Now, with the accountability partners that God has placed within my life, I can more clearly see the sin in my life. Most would think that would make it easier to come to repentance, to fall before God's knees in guilt and condemnation, desperately asking for His forgiveness. This sounds horrible to say, but sometimes I think it actually makes it harder.

When I was little, I often thought that sin was something very illusive. You would walk around, living your life, and then you would tell a lie. I felt tempted as a child sometimes, and I thought that if I were just strong enough to battle my temptation, then all would be good. I didn't want to lie, not really anyway. I just wanted to get away with something. So, as a child, my understanding of repentance was just as simple as my understanding of sin.

Nowadays, sin creeps in. The temptation is not as obvious. The sin is your lifestyle, not a singular act. You understand that your attitude toward people, your attitude toward work, your attitude toward life tends to demonstrate your sinful nature. Sin is no longer being tempted to steal that extra cookie from the cookie jar or to tell your mom you did you chores when you really didn't. Sin is now treating your friend unkindly or being judgmental toward people you haven't met. Sin is how you life, not what you're doing.

With that in mind, I think now being more aware of my sin makes it harder to come to repentance. At least for me. I may be the only one (though I highly doubt it because for some reason, there is always someone else out there to commiserate with you). Now that I am aware of my sinful nature, it makes it harder to change your lifestyle. Its not just a simple act of resistance in a single moment. Its a change of lifestyle. Its changing the way you think. Its changing who you are. And because of that, you are more resistant to change. You really don't want to be nice to that person you have a hard time getting along with. You really don't want to stop being prideful or controlling. That's who you are. Especially because, as you've gotten older, you've come up with reasons/excuses for being the way you are. You've defended yourself in so many situations, that you are comfortable with the person you've become. You are okay with it. You believe that you have a right to your person.

Therefore, when it comes to conquering your sin, you are much more resistant to coming before God with a heart of repentance. A heart of repentance is when you believe what you've done is wrong and that you are sorry for what you've done and understand that God is the only one who can save you from that sin. When you have these excuses for yourself and you keep thinking, "Well, God, yeah...I wasn't too nice to her today, but seriously, did you see what she did to me?" then it is a lot harder to reach that state of repentance.

When you are little, you tell a lie, and then you feel bad (maybe because you got in trouble, but in the end, I think as a kid I did understand I had done something wrong and was sorry for it, even if my sadness was a bit selfish). You go to God (or your parents) and you're crying and you're really sorry.

Now, how many times are we really sorry for what we've done? Its harder. Or maybe its just because we're "adults" now. Or maybe its just because I'm prideful and its hard to humble myself in that way. Or maybe its just because we've become apathetic to sin. I say, "I'm prideful. I'm selfish. I'm judgmental" with full awareness of the sin, but not with a full awareness of how it separates us from God. And because we have "accepted" this sin in our lives, we just move on. Because we have "accepted" this sin in our lives, its harder to be truly repentant for it.

I am beginning to understand why it is so hard to get the "older" people to change. Why it is hard to get the people in my parent's generation to see their sins and their faults and to help change the church in a radical way. I know its hard, I've always known its hard, but now I'm understanding why its hard. And I'm beginning to come up against that wall myself.

I don't like it, but at the same time, I find my sinful nature tell me, "That's alright. You'll get over it. If you fuss over it too much, it'll just overwhelm your life and you won't be able to do anything." Then its this mental battle with the two angels on my shoulders yelling at each other.

It happens just like they say. Sometimes I wish I had an original thought, but in reality, all of this has already been thought of, experienced, discussed. As long as someone doesn't say, "I told you so." Ha.

And so, the day between Good Friday and Easter, I am struggling with a heart of repentance. I recall Psalm 51 when David was repenting for committing adultery with Bathsheba.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

The question is: how do I come to this moment? How do I approach repentance in a real way? I don't want to cheat God. I don't want to say I'm sorry when I'm really not. The hypocrisy weighs me down, but at the same time, I'm too lazy to stand up against it.

It just makes it more amazing to me that God loves people like us. I guess perhaps this understanding of God's love has made Easter more special this year. Still, I want to at least try to be worthy of God's love, and every time I mess up, I don't detect that separation. That means I have not fully comprehended the gravity of sin and the gravity of what Jesus did on the cross for us.

I pray this year for a full understanding of the gravity of my sin. I know that I have to be careful what I ask for, because God may bombard me with difficult trials so that I may learn to understand the gravity of sin, but at the same time, I know that this is something I must grasp in order to understand true repentance.