Prayers for Peace

I am still trying to let his death sink in. I want to rise above all of those "stereotypical" reactions to death. I don't want to doubt God, question God, or ask why is this happening, but you find yourself doing it anyway. Because it just doesn't make sense. Why he would be here one minute and gone the next. Just like that. So suddenly. And no one knew. There was no way you would know. Just...gone.

I keep thinking this: I want to tell God that the only reason it isn't fair is because we still need him. Bethany and Brenton still need their dad. Aunty Janice still needs her husband. In so many ways. I know that Uncle Craig is His son and that He can take him away any time He wants, but why now, God? Why not wait until Brenton is at least an adult, not just a kid going into high school. And why so suddenly?

Sometimes it feels like it was all just a bad dream. Like sometimes we go to distract Hal, and then its like it didn't happen. And then I remember. Oh yeah. He's gone, and they are hurting. We are hurting. And then it makes my heart hurt again. It reminds me of that sudden shock, that first reaction when Karen came running up to me sobbing, that vague feeling that it was not real, that it was just Karen overreacting. That someone close to our family had not really just DIED. It slowly started to sink in, but it goes in and out.

I don't know how it feels to have the bottom drop out. I don't want to know, and I can't even imagine what they are feeling right now. God, this is painful for me. Be with them. Can I donate all of Your comfort that You have for me right now and give it to them? They need it more than me. Because if this is how I'm feeling, they are feeling it 192304839028490238490238409384 times worse. And I can't even start to imagine...

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
- Jesus, John 16:33