Valentine's Day

It's February, the red and pink month.  As always, I am baffled by the evermore popular "Singles Awareness Day" celebrated during this 28 day period.  As much as I know I have no place to say anything, I'll say it anyway: isn't that a little pathetic?

I'm not saying celebrating singleness is bad.  Despite the fact that Valentine's Day is probably my second favorite holiday behind Christmas, I understand that there are plenty of people who rejoice in the opportunities presented by being single, but many people celebrate "SAD" because they wish they didn't have to.

I've posted a note on Facebook before talking about how Valentine's Day should be about celebrating love, not necessarily just romantic love, but love for your friends, your family, your neighbors, etc.  God gave us an incredible opportunity TO LOVE.  Shouldn't we partake in that blessing a little more often?  

Jon and I are often put in the "other" category when it comes to relationships.  We're often categorized by other single people as too good to be true, lucky, married, or something of the sort.  Everyone seems to understand we aren't a normal dating relationship, which by itself I am okay with.  However, I do come to resent the fact that we are an "other" as well.  True, Jon and I have something special, I'm not going to deny that.  But also, we had to work for it, and we were just like everyone else in the beginning as well.  

When people ask me what makes my relationship work, I always tell them about how Jon was so invested in the relationship in the beginning and it was his leadership that kept us going through those tough first two and a half years.  Jon doesn't like that telling because although he knows it holds some truth, he likes to cite my determination as well.  But coming from this girl, I was just going along for the ride in the beginning.  I had no idea that a relationship took so much time, energy, dedication, commitment, and endurance.  Jon did.  He invested so much into making me happy, and I didn't even realize.  

Maybe its because we're high school sweethearts that people discount Jon's and my relationship as a fairy tale.  Maybe because it doesn't happen that the first person you happen to date seriously ends up being the person you chose to marry.  Maybe it's that.  Maybe its because people often don't see the mistakes we've made or the tough journeys that we have been through.  Or maybe they are jealous?  I don't know.  I just wish people understood that our relationship is not easy, that it is attainable for you too, and that love is selfless.

I've learned so much from being in a relationship with Jon.  I've learned how God loves, even through the imperfect love that we try to show each other day to day.  I've learned a little bit better about what unconditional love means, and how difficult we make it for God to love us.  I've learned about what true desire is, and how we are supposed to desire God just as much as we desire our significant other, if not more.  I've also learned that God created us as very social beings.  We NEED other people.  God made us that way because while He doesn't need us in the same way we need Him, He loves interaction, relationships, being.

My prayer is that more people understand that not being attached doesn't have any relation to how attractive you are as a person.  I also pray that more people are willing to wait for a Godly relationship and not just give away such a huge part of themselves because they start to get desperate.  While God created the wonderful institution of marriage, He also called us to rejoice when we are single.  

Relationships are sticky things.  You don't ever come out of any relationship (not just romantic) unscathed or unchanged.  That is why it is so important that we seek healthy relationships and that we risk part of ourselves every time we enter into one.  Because if you don't seek a healthy relationship, when you risk part of yourself, it'll get ugly.  And if you seek a healthy relationship, but you don't risk part of yourself, it won't go anywhere. 

But again, all of this coming from someone who has dated the same wonderful Godly man for 5+ years, I pretty much lose all "legitimacy" because I "have it too good." (Sorry, slight rant.)  I don't really understand that because while, true, I have not known what it feels like to be single and feel unattractive or unloved, I do know what is possible and how wonderful growing and learning with someone else is.  I wish that for everyone.  I do.  What God has created is incredible. 

Characters

Note: I have an essay due tomorrow that I've only half completed.  Senioritis is horrid. 
Note 2: I walked in the rain today without an umbrella so I could pick up Starbucks for my coworkers.  It was fun.  When I tried to use an umbrella, the wind flipped it inside out, reminding me of Mary Poppins. Awesome. 


You learn a lot about the nature of God studying people.  As a writer and a lover of good characters, I tend to be over-observant.  I eavesdrop and spy and watch and stare (warning for those who sit in restaurants near me).  I like to learn about people, how they work, why they do things, what makes them tick, etc.  You'll notice that when I'm interacting with people, I always try to understand them before I take action.  The problem is sometimes I'm wrong, my assumption, though based on good evidence, does not withstand the truth.  However, what I have learned is the intricacy of humans.  People are varied infinitely, so much so that often people don't even understand themselves.  


I don't like psychology.  It tries to categorize people too much, see them as "science" rather than "creations."  It would please me very much to take the "-logy" out of the word and just leave it as is.  "I'm majoring in psycho.  What are you majoring in?"  That would be much more interesting.


There are a lot of people that puzzle me because while I like to understand, sometimes I'm not very understanding.  I have a problem with judging and seeing things from another way other than my own.  I think this is a problem that runs in my entire family.  


My dad was mentioning the other day how all of my friends have messed up families.  I agreed, because its true.  A good majority of my close friends have problematic families.  I told my dad that I tend to be friends with genuine people, and with that, you often get "messed up families" in this generation.  My dad was commenting on how some people don't have any messed up friends.  I said then their friends were usually shallow.


Blanket statements like that...I really shouldn't say them.  I'm sure there isn't really a shallow person out there.  There are just a lot of people who shut the rest of the wealth that is their personality up in some distant recess of their mind so they can function.  There are just too many generalizations because in such a varied world of personalities, the only way to make sense of them is to make generalizations and in the end, cheat yourself out of the wealth humanity has to offer.


This takes me back to God's character.  He created all of these people.  It astounds me how people are so receptive, subconsciously mainly, to the circumstances of their childhood.  People are so shaped by how they grow up.  (This makes me want to just be a totally awesome, Godly parent. It really does.)  It interests me so much how little things in people's pasts become the rudder for the rest of their lives.  I love how God has imprinted His love of design and variation and differences in the world of personalities everyone has out there.  


I have to admit though...some of those personalities drive me mad.  


With that in mind, I want the goal of my stories to focus on the characters.  Because what is the point if you don't learn something new about people when you read literature?  Even books that would never make it into the "classics" category.  If it has creatively and aptly helped to reveal something (not necessarily new) about humans and the "human experience" (which is just a fancy name for "life" or "relationships"), then I would consider it a well-written piece.  Why?  Because it had a good purpose.  


I hope my writing is like that.  


PS - Why is my posts the only ones that look messed up in terms of formatting? 

Saturday Afternoon

I have been able to sleep in recently, which ironically, was something I just told Amy that I couldn't do anymore.  I was thinking about the reason why I was able to sleep in twice this weekend this morning after I woke up at 11:30, only because my lovely father who is trying to stand up for my mother's ideals woke us up at that time about an hour after he had awaken.  


It is sort of disconcerting to wake up late, considering I know I have tons of things to do, but this is what I do after I wake up: surf Facebook and write a blog entry.  I haven't even showered yet.  I think I am stressed.  Why else would my body find so much solace in sleeping?  But if I am stressed, I'm not sure where the stress is coming from.  I don't feel stressed.  Do I?  I'm not sure.  


With the risk of making me sound like a clingy girlfriend, perhaps my "stress" is related to not seeing my boyfriend for four days this week (which is abnormal, sorry).  I don't know what it is, but when I'm with him, I feel complete, and when I'm not, I feel like I'm missing something.  So its an endless cycle of waiting until the next time I see him to feel whole again.  I'm not sure how much of that is a good thing and a bad thing, though most people I talk to argue for its dangerousness.  I don't know.  Most people I know don't understand what its like to be in a "steady" relationship, for lack of a better term, and all of the things that go along with it.  I've tried to explain it to people, but they don't get it, so I've stopped trying.  


So, perhaps I am stressed, but right now I feel like I'm in a hazy sort of daze, sitting in my dimmed room with the blinds still closed but letting in cracks of sunlight, and my computer screen, the brightest light in the room, illuminating my oily hair and face, while I listen gladly to the sound of the keyboard as I type and the appearance of the words in my mind onto the computer screen.  Sometimes I think I update this blog simply because I like to hear myself type.  

Mother Madness

*Warning: First real(?) rant post*

Things my mom does that tend to bug me to no end (causing me to instantly act irritable toward her in response) but I'm not sure why they bug me are:

1...when she asks me to do something last minute

2...when she tries to talk to me when I'm on the phone

3...when she asks me to deliver something to her company for her

Analysis of #1:

Perhaps I get bothered by this because I'm not very flexible with my schedule. I know I like to stick to my schedule, but when things come up, I'm not so frustrated with those things, am I? Or maybe it is because I'm trying desperately to make my schedule independent of hers and she assumes that I have nothing else to do and can just wake up that one hour earlier to go do something I hadn't planned on doing that it'll be okay. Or maybe it is because I'm a control freak and don't like my precious schedule messed with. Or maybe I don't like the unknown throwing me off guard. But I don't think that I'm as irritable (and as instantly irritable) with anything else that does this to my schedule but her. Or maybe its just because I don't like to lose sleep.

Possible Conclusion: because I'm trying desperately to make my schedule independent of hers

Analysis of #2:

This I am pretty sure I know why it bothers me. I try not to talk to my mom when she's on the phone. When we were little, she set up this system that we had to put our hand on her shoulder and she would get to us at a good point in the conversation. However, I'm usually on the phone in my room, so when my mom is yelling at me from across the house, she does not know I am on the phone. But it still bugs me when I have to yell an answer back, and then she asks ANOTHER questions and my annoyed tone does not signal to her my annoyance.

Possible Conclusion: because she's being hypocritical

Analysis of #3:

This one still boggles me. Lots of times she asks me to deliver something, I am on the way. My work is right next door. Why not? Its convenient. I still get bothered and annoyed and irritable. Other times, she asks me when I'm not so close by (like school) and its a 10 minute drive out of my way. I should be kind and just deliver it for her. But for some reason, I hate it. It feels like she is taking advantage of me, because I am the only person she can ask. Which is ironic because she warned me against taking care of my friend's cat too much because of the same reason. Isn't she doing the same thing to me? Blah. I should be nicer, I should just deliver the package/take care of the cat without getting all angry that they are messing with what I had originally planned. Or is this intimately related to my anger in regards to issue #1? 

Possible Conclusion: inconclusive

Mothers...and I'm going to be just like her when I get old. I know it. Which just makes it worse.

Inevitable

I have to admit that after my last entry in which I tried to copy and paste lyrics, I got fed up with Blogger merely because it wouldn't change my stupid font size to "small" instead of "normal." I tried SO many times to get the font of my last entry to be the same as everything else, and when I gave up, I almost didn't post the lyrics just because it didn't match. I suppose there might be something wrong with that.

So, its 2010. Normally, I'm not much into celebrating New Year's. I've probably stated this somewhere else on the Internet, but it doesn't feel like a beginning to me. I would love to celebrate beginnings or endings that were actually beginnings. But the only thing in 2010 that is beginning is a new number to write on papers and a new quarter. To me, not much of a beginning. I'd much rather celebrate the beginning of summer or even the beginning of the school year to the end of the Christmas season.

However, this year is a bit different. First, it dawned on me that...hey, 2010 is a new decade. What the heck! Where did the last decade go? It went by so fast. And I sound so old for saying that. But more importantly, I started looking ahead (as I do probably too often) and started to notice impending *insert word here* (word choices: a) doom, b) changes, c) possibilities, d) none of the above). Dude. This year is THE year for watching my whole life turn upside down. And the thing that is weird is that I know there is no way around it, minus failing school, which arguably would have the same result anyway. This year, I am looking at my graduation in March, starting full time work, facing for the first time myself and my "pen" (am I a real writer?), and probably an engagement tossed in there somewhere. Not to mention I ended 2009 buying a car. Which was totally out of the blue.

I am not really mentally ready to start my adult life. But then again, who is? I doubt anyone could claim such a feat. I am feeling sort of frantic at this point because there aren't that many people I know who are in the same position as me. Most of the people I know are taking life in chunks. Handling the career before the marriage. Or handling the marriage before the career. Or something of that sort. (It's too late for me to think of better, more realistic permutations.) I'm trying to take a huge bite of both.

Props to Jon for being able to handle everything. I don't see how he bought that house and still manages to see straight.

So, in the most circuitous way, this year both scares and excites me. I am both apprehensive, nervous and eager, excited. I am looking at the end of what I know but what I am tired of. I am looking at the beginning of what I have been looking forward to yet know nothing about. I know that it is silly of me to say such simple things. Everyone knows change is scary because of the unknown. And everyone knows I don't handle the unknown very well. Maybe that is why I tell myself over and over again why I'm scared.

I want to charge into 2010 and embrace all of the things it has to offer. Especially since the changes are so inevitable. But at the same time, I'm not ready. And I'm afraid of not being ready. More than of the unknown.

I feel like there is a lot on my mind right now, and its making it harder to go to sleep nowadays. I'm trying to learn what it means to be a faithful wife, a good steward, a dedicated writer, a valuable employee, a Godly leader, and a loving daughter/sister all at the same time. And these things are all at the forefront of my mind. I'm started to feel swamped.

I guess writing here doesn't really aid me at all. I am only getting out on "paper" what I have been mulling over in my head for the past few days. Which makes me feel like this post was totally pointless and that I wasted twenty minutes of my time/sleep. But at the same time, I know this is a somewhat small, desperate cry for an understanding ear. I guess that is what I get for not having many close friends. I am forced to depend, yet again, on my writing for my solace.

Wow, the more I write this, the more lame I feel. Perhaps I should stop now.

*Edit - And the font STILL doesn't work....

I Celebrate the Day

I hope that I can live these words out this Christmas...and every Christmas.

I Celebrate the Day

by Relient K

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know

how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me,

in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes

did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas

I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

enJOYing

Sometimes I wonder why it took me so long to learn how to enjoy life. I can't claim that I have it down pat, but I can say that this past year has yielded some long stretches of joyful days. I am beginning to learn really what it means to be joyful, and live a joyful life.

I get aggravated, often, by people who are close to me who let me down. But I am beginning to find that sometimes no matter what you do, you can't change people (which depresses me to no end) and sometimes you just have to move on. If they aren't willing to be friends with you, then why waste emotionally energy on them? Continue to be friends, but don't waste your time getting frustrated. I am still learning how to do that, and just learning how to do that has led to some better days.

When I was an "adolescent", I would write in my diary constantly about everything that made me excited, happy or whatever was bothering me. As a result, that made a lot of long entries. When I entered college, the entries diminished drastically. Not just because of time and life that sucked spare moments out of me, but I had few moments in my life that would have caused me to need to write in my diary before. I also found solace outside of my diary, in people, and I guess that was one step toward a more social being on my part. (Was I really that much of a loner in middle school and high school? Now that I think about it, did I really have friends?)

Now, I have little to write in my diary but blessings and joyful exclamations. I am happy, I am content, and it isn't because my life is struggle-free. It is because I am enjoying whatever comes my way. I hope that as I continue to learn more of what that means, that I will get even better at being joyful 24/7.

Silent Responses

I tried to talk to my parents about my concerns for "cookie cutter sermons" at dinner today, and they didn't say anything. My mom changed the subject. Why? My dad finished one of my sentences for me, giving me the impression that he understood what I was talking about, but then he didn't say anything else. I kinda wish my parents were passionate people. Its like they have lost any drive to do anything, but isn't that how it is supposed to be when you get "old"? You lose your passion, your drive? I don't want to be like that. There is too much to do out there.

I've been thinking a lot about death, and as a result, a lot about life too. What it means to live, to live a life for Christ. To live a life that Christ would be proud of and say, "Yes, that is a little bit like how its supposed to be." I see so many distortions of God's message in the world today, from Christians and non-Christians alike, from both leaders and followers. It saddens me, angers me, frustrates me. What is worse is that I see it most prominently, the most up-close-and-personal, in my friends. That is even worse.

Where has the world's desire to change gone? Why aren't we trying to improve ourselves? Why are we just letting the whole of society slip down the drain, slowly but surely? Or is that just my opinion, that the world is getting worst? My mom is always saying how every decade had its problems, and yes, I do think that if you go back to the 30's or the 1800's, they had their own share of debauchery, immorality, alcoholism, perversion, complacency, hatred, etc. etc. But I do think there is a downward slope. Why? Because now its accepted.

Verse 1:
The battle line is drawn
It's all in black and white
Hope is pulling forward
And fear from behind
It's time

It's time to make a move
So what will you decide?
The clock is ticking on
Don't let it pass you by
It's time, it's time

Chorus:
The time is now for lifting souls
The time is now for letting go
From your skin to your core
Let light and love
Come rushing through the door

Verse 2:
You learned every song
Memorized the verse
Took the bread and wine
And even bought the shirt
It's time

It's time to draw your shield
It's time to draw your sword
Be the resistance
Oh Lord, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
It's time
Yeah, it's time

-The Time is Now, by Phil Wickham-

Blessed

I have to blast this out on the Internet, because this is something that is worthy of being blasted. It needs to be blasted. Everyone on the Internet needs to know.

God has blessed me with great friends. =]

Okay, I am done.

Moving

The thought keeps coming back:

Should I move to a different church?

I don't like to think it. It makes me feel disloyal, and my parents have definitely told me their thoughts on the subject. They think I'm giving up, thinking too selfishly. So, I have to debate the legitimacy of the thoughts with myself.

The thought usually comes up when something happens at church that I disagree with or that I don't like, which is one of the main reasons why I ignore it after awhile. I'm not sure if the situation increases my lack of legitimacy.

But at the same time, I almost want to leave to make a point. That the church is not headed in a direction that is going to make them successful. But what do I know? I'm just any other person in the church, and everyone else has different opinions on what is going to make them a successful church.

Or maybe its just that the church doesn't fit my needs. It's not that the church is failing. It's just that it doesn't fit my needs. But is that a reason to leave the church?

The only reason I would stay (and the reason I have been staying) is I feel that I am needed, that God still wants me to make a difference there. But it is HARD. I'm not lying or exaggerating. If this is my calling, then God certainly didn't lighten up on anything. Not that I'm necessarily complaining. I'm just saying...its complicating my thought process. Because I don't if its difficult because it is supposed to test me or because I'm in the wrong place.

I don't know. I keep thinking about it, and every time it comes up, I feel like I think about it more seriously.