Some females must have the exceptional ability to stay slender. I am sure some males do to--in fact, I know some males do--but for the sake of this post, I will stick with just females. Anyway, some females have the talent at staying skinny, and others don't.
There is this one girl who I have had two creative writing classes with who is exceptionally skinny. She also has tiny boobs. They are so small, I swear she doesn't need to wear a bra. But she's tall, at least as tall as me, and has long brown hair that makes her look even taller. She's skinny, and yet every class period she comes in with a VENTI coffee from Starbucks. And then in class today, she was telling the girl next to her that she stuffed herself on a Chipotle salad. Sure, it was a salad, but if I ate an entire one of those things, my pants would already be feeling tight, and I would be tempted to unbutton the top button of my jeans for relief. I wanted to gawk and be jealous, but I decided not to...at least, try not to.
I know its part of genes and genetics and all of that. My father has a belly. His lovely ability to gain fat primarily on your belly has been very ably passed down to me. Part of that has to do with my father's and my love for carbs. French fries and potatoes, especially. Potatoes have so much extra energy in them. And from what I read on WikiHow, extra carb fat tends to hang out around your belly for some reason. Wonderful.
I also know it is in part just genetics. Diabetes runs in my dad's side of the family, and diabetes-plagued people tend to gain more weight on their stomach. I'm not sure why, but that is what I have been told. Something about our ability to process sugar and all of that. I'm not sure.
I also know it is in part because of lack of exercise. My father and I aren't so good at exercising. At least Dad plays volleyball twice a week, but in his old age, I'm not so sure about the viability of that sort of work out. I'm sure its not as good as any aerobic exercise. And me, on the other hand, exercises little. People get on my case about it.
It must sound depressing that at my age, young and supposedly at the peak of my physical life, I am trying to lose belly fat. That is America for you, isn't it? Over-indulgence in French Fries. I don't want to make myself sound like a pig. I don't gorge on French Fries every night or anything, and in reality, I don't eat that much. I guess it must be the type of foods I choose to eat and my lack of exercise and my genetics all working together to maintain my bulge.
To some, this must sound crazy. Cheryl's not fat, they say. Yes, I know I'm not fat. But having struggled with self-image before, please understand it bothers me. It bothers me to no end to see some of myself hanging over the top of my jeans. It also bothers me when I know I'm not gorging myself on potatoes every day.
Eating a more balanced diet is probably what I need to do: more fruits and veggies instead of carbs and meats. I understand this. Its just hard to eat fruits and veggies when, like I am right now, shaking because I'm so hungry. You go for the high calorie foods just naturally at times like this, and even THEN you feel hungry, so you go for more. You want to be able to hold your hand up without it shaking in the air.
Something makes me wonder if there is some sort of physical disorder that I have that gives me these hunger bursts right after I've had a high calorie boba drink.
Anyway, that is my musings for today. I am jealous of those girls who can eat and stay thin. I'm not sure what it is. They must only eat one meal a day or starve themselves or just have it good, but either way, I am jealous. Even though I try not to be.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Our Best
Dear Christian Artist,
For the purpose of this post, I am going to define "artist" as anyone who produces any creative work, such as a painter, a musician, a writer, a songwriter, a movie producer, an actor/actress, a photographer, etc.
You are rare! Did you know that? You are a rare gem in the Christian world. Why? Because in the creative field, there is more freedom. You know this. Your ability to create and to twist and to pull anything you feel like. That is the freedom I'm talking about. And, of course, the world has taken that opportunity, that freedom and used creative works to demonstrate perverted and vile things. Sex, immorality, rudeness, a blurring of the truth, etc. The world has taken the expression of the human self and used it to portray ungodly material. So, the Christians left that world, that creative sector.
Why would a Christian want to participate in Hollywood, for example, if they would either have to compromise their beliefs or be picky about what they do and not get jobs? Most, I would say, do the former, and its really hard to do the latter. What the world wants to hear is what sells. So, to produce something Godly most likely wouldn't sell.
So, you are a rare specimen, and that makes you even more important. As Christians, we should together infiltrate the creative fields. We should go like an army, marching forward and taking a stand. When God calls us to be "in the world, but not of it" this is what He was talking about. We will participate in the world's creative field but not partake of the world's food.
Even more excitingly, there are creative fields where Christians have changed the genre around. Consider music for example. Before Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant in the 80s, there was hardly any popular Christian music. Look now! Christian music has its own shelf in stores like Target, Walmart, and Borders just because Christian music has just become a force. It's selling. People are buying it.
Consider next the new slue of Christian movies that are coming out nowadays. I am so inspired by Sherwood Baptist Church. Check out their movies (Flywheel, Facing the Giants, Fireproof) if you haven't already and watch the commentary on those DVDs. They are so motivated to reach the world through movies. Now we have other movies like the Narnia movies, Veggietale movies, Standing Firm, To Save a Life, Passion of the Christ, etc. that are stepping up behind the Sherwood Production movies.
However, what is working against us? Why hasn't all creative fields taken huge steps such as movies and music? Well, Christians have a tendency to produce BAD stuff. For example, take Christian fiction. This is my field, as a writer, and I'm going to frankly bash this area. Christian fiction is on a general scale horrible. In comparison to the writing available in the secular world (not saying that its all well-written but as a whole), Christian fiction doesn't have much to work with. It's often riddled with cliches, poor unrealistic characters, and very very similar plot themes and settings. I'd say that 75% of Christian fiction is set in the past, such as a Western or Victorian novel. Why? Because its easier to talk about Christian themes in a world that was more accepting of them.
Christian artists have a reputation of producing bad stuff. Why? My theory is that Christians have an awkward time of trying to get their message out. We want to try and encapsulate a person's journey to redemption in 150 pages. I also think that because so many talented Christians have left the public field, sticking to use their creative skills in other areas or in smaller venues such as their home church, there isn't as large of a talent pool to choose from.
This astounds me! As Christians, we have access to the Creator of ideas! Shouldn't we be owning everyone? We should be having such creative and mind-boggling ideas that we take the creative fields by storm. Every single one of them. And look why the Christian music and movie industry are taking off! Because the quality is good. Non-Christians would be willing to sit through some preaching because its good. I don't know how many comments in response to Sherwood films on Youtube that I saw that said, "I'm not religious or anything, but I would totally see this."
We have no excuse, in my opinion, to be putting out mediocre stuff. We should be trying our hardest and depending on God to supplement to produce something that both God and the world will deem worthy of attention. We've got God on our side. What have we to lose?
I am writing this as a call to Christian artists everywhere to embrace your field of choice. USE it to glorify God in all that you do. You may be poor and starving, as the saying goes, but lean on God to give you wholesome success for your creativity. God created the world in seven days. Think of how awesome His inspiration is going to be in our lives. Let us step out into the world, and show them what we've got. Let our work shine because its got the Creator's fingerprints all over it.
For the purpose of this post, I am going to define "artist" as anyone who produces any creative work, such as a painter, a musician, a writer, a songwriter, a movie producer, an actor/actress, a photographer, etc.
You are rare! Did you know that? You are a rare gem in the Christian world. Why? Because in the creative field, there is more freedom. You know this. Your ability to create and to twist and to pull anything you feel like. That is the freedom I'm talking about. And, of course, the world has taken that opportunity, that freedom and used creative works to demonstrate perverted and vile things. Sex, immorality, rudeness, a blurring of the truth, etc. The world has taken the expression of the human self and used it to portray ungodly material. So, the Christians left that world, that creative sector.
Why would a Christian want to participate in Hollywood, for example, if they would either have to compromise their beliefs or be picky about what they do and not get jobs? Most, I would say, do the former, and its really hard to do the latter. What the world wants to hear is what sells. So, to produce something Godly most likely wouldn't sell.
So, you are a rare specimen, and that makes you even more important. As Christians, we should together infiltrate the creative fields. We should go like an army, marching forward and taking a stand. When God calls us to be "in the world, but not of it" this is what He was talking about. We will participate in the world's creative field but not partake of the world's food.
Even more excitingly, there are creative fields where Christians have changed the genre around. Consider music for example. Before Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant in the 80s, there was hardly any popular Christian music. Look now! Christian music has its own shelf in stores like Target, Walmart, and Borders just because Christian music has just become a force. It's selling. People are buying it.
Consider next the new slue of Christian movies that are coming out nowadays. I am so inspired by Sherwood Baptist Church. Check out their movies (Flywheel, Facing the Giants, Fireproof) if you haven't already and watch the commentary on those DVDs. They are so motivated to reach the world through movies. Now we have other movies like the Narnia movies, Veggietale movies, Standing Firm, To Save a Life, Passion of the Christ, etc. that are stepping up behind the Sherwood Production movies.
However, what is working against us? Why hasn't all creative fields taken huge steps such as movies and music? Well, Christians have a tendency to produce BAD stuff. For example, take Christian fiction. This is my field, as a writer, and I'm going to frankly bash this area. Christian fiction is on a general scale horrible. In comparison to the writing available in the secular world (not saying that its all well-written but as a whole), Christian fiction doesn't have much to work with. It's often riddled with cliches, poor unrealistic characters, and very very similar plot themes and settings. I'd say that 75% of Christian fiction is set in the past, such as a Western or Victorian novel. Why? Because its easier to talk about Christian themes in a world that was more accepting of them.
Christian artists have a reputation of producing bad stuff. Why? My theory is that Christians have an awkward time of trying to get their message out. We want to try and encapsulate a person's journey to redemption in 150 pages. I also think that because so many talented Christians have left the public field, sticking to use their creative skills in other areas or in smaller venues such as their home church, there isn't as large of a talent pool to choose from.
This astounds me! As Christians, we have access to the Creator of ideas! Shouldn't we be owning everyone? We should be having such creative and mind-boggling ideas that we take the creative fields by storm. Every single one of them. And look why the Christian music and movie industry are taking off! Because the quality is good. Non-Christians would be willing to sit through some preaching because its good. I don't know how many comments in response to Sherwood films on Youtube that I saw that said, "I'm not religious or anything, but I would totally see this."
We have no excuse, in my opinion, to be putting out mediocre stuff. We should be trying our hardest and depending on God to supplement to produce something that both God and the world will deem worthy of attention. We've got God on our side. What have we to lose?
I am writing this as a call to Christian artists everywhere to embrace your field of choice. USE it to glorify God in all that you do. You may be poor and starving, as the saying goes, but lean on God to give you wholesome success for your creativity. God created the world in seven days. Think of how awesome His inspiration is going to be in our lives. Let us step out into the world, and show them what we've got. Let our work shine because its got the Creator's fingerprints all over it.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Passion
Passion is defined by dictionary.com as:
I find it intensely interesting the varied usages of this word. Built into the word passion is not just strong emotions, but anger (#9), a somewhat lack of self-control (#8), Jesus Christ's death (#11), suffering and death (#12), love (#2 & #7), lust (#3), and lack of agency or being subject to something else (#10). The definitions cover such a large range of emotions.
Some thing that I find in common is passion is often associated with something strong or taken to the extreme. Anger, lust, love, suffering...those are all extreme emotions or states of being. Also, there is somewhat built into this definition a lack of self-control. In definitions 10, 11, and 12, it is implied that passionate people are subject to the wills or desires of those things or people they are passionate about. That is also somewhat inherent in the love, lust, and hate definitions.
Passionate people are not totally in control of themselves because they are so invested in the object of their passion that such object thus gains power or control over the passionate.
Although we don't like to think about passionate people being in a position of insubordination, its important to think about. Jesus for instance was put into this position when He went to the cross to die for us. He loved us so much that He allowed for that love and passion to lead him to suffering. Jesus allowed the human government to have control over Him because of His passion for us. Wow.
But at the same time, lowly humans such as myself dislike being subject to our objects of passion. We do not have the ability such as Jesus to choose to be put into insubordination, knowing that we could get out of it if we pleased. It begins to feel like a sort of slavery to your passion, like you are stuck. Also, to be passionate about something inherently demands risk. You can't be passionate about something without risking yourself and putting yourself in the line of fire of someone. Because no matter what you choose to be passionate about, there will always be someone who will be passionate about the opposite.
I do believe that I am a passionate person, and this often gets me into trouble. I dislike apathy so much, and I demand that others be passionate about something as well. I have little patience for those who are apathetic, and this makes me a prideful, not very understand person. I have a problem being compassionate, at times. I do believe that the reasons I have listed are some of the big reasons why people aren't passionate. It just takes more time and energy to care about something. Its harder than not caring at all. So, to that extent, I "understand" (at least I think so) why people are not passionate.
But then I get frustrated. Can't they see that there are so many things out there in the world that need saving? If there were just a handful more passionate people in the world, then perhaps we could save some of them.
I have to apologize publicly for my Valentine's Day post a couple weeks ago. That post was aimed at apathetic people, those who whine on Valentine's Day for their own self-pity. It was not intended to stomp all over the hearts of those who have been through broken relationships or those who are missing someone. Please understand that my passion often gets the best of me, and I lash out. I apologize, and I hope that my few Internet readers will forgive me for some of the things I say that are insensitive. I hope to try and be more universally understanding when I post in the future.
Thank you.
| 1. | any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate. |
| 2. | strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor. |
| 3. | strong sexual desire; lust. |
| 4. | an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire. |
| 5. | a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire. |
| 6. | a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music. |
| 7. | the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him. |
| 8. | an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words. |
| 9. | violent anger. |
| 10. | the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action ). |
| 11. | (often initial capital letter ) Theology.
|
| 12. | Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr. |
I find it intensely interesting the varied usages of this word. Built into the word passion is not just strong emotions, but anger (#9), a somewhat lack of self-control (#8), Jesus Christ's death (#11), suffering and death (#12), love (#2 & #7), lust (#3), and lack of agency or being subject to something else (#10). The definitions cover such a large range of emotions.
Some thing that I find in common is passion is often associated with something strong or taken to the extreme. Anger, lust, love, suffering...those are all extreme emotions or states of being. Also, there is somewhat built into this definition a lack of self-control. In definitions 10, 11, and 12, it is implied that passionate people are subject to the wills or desires of those things or people they are passionate about. That is also somewhat inherent in the love, lust, and hate definitions.
Passionate people are not totally in control of themselves because they are so invested in the object of their passion that such object thus gains power or control over the passionate.
Although we don't like to think about passionate people being in a position of insubordination, its important to think about. Jesus for instance was put into this position when He went to the cross to die for us. He loved us so much that He allowed for that love and passion to lead him to suffering. Jesus allowed the human government to have control over Him because of His passion for us. Wow.
But at the same time, lowly humans such as myself dislike being subject to our objects of passion. We do not have the ability such as Jesus to choose to be put into insubordination, knowing that we could get out of it if we pleased. It begins to feel like a sort of slavery to your passion, like you are stuck. Also, to be passionate about something inherently demands risk. You can't be passionate about something without risking yourself and putting yourself in the line of fire of someone. Because no matter what you choose to be passionate about, there will always be someone who will be passionate about the opposite.
I do believe that I am a passionate person, and this often gets me into trouble. I dislike apathy so much, and I demand that others be passionate about something as well. I have little patience for those who are apathetic, and this makes me a prideful, not very understand person. I have a problem being compassionate, at times. I do believe that the reasons I have listed are some of the big reasons why people aren't passionate. It just takes more time and energy to care about something. Its harder than not caring at all. So, to that extent, I "understand" (at least I think so) why people are not passionate.
But then I get frustrated. Can't they see that there are so many things out there in the world that need saving? If there were just a handful more passionate people in the world, then perhaps we could save some of them.
I have to apologize publicly for my Valentine's Day post a couple weeks ago. That post was aimed at apathetic people, those who whine on Valentine's Day for their own self-pity. It was not intended to stomp all over the hearts of those who have been through broken relationships or those who are missing someone. Please understand that my passion often gets the best of me, and I lash out. I apologize, and I hope that my few Internet readers will forgive me for some of the things I say that are insensitive. I hope to try and be more universally understanding when I post in the future.
Thank you.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Chicken Nuggets and Panera's
I'm getting really tired of people's apathy, especially the apathy of those around me. Yes, I know it takes guts to CARE about something, but can you please just...try? It's really starting to bug me. At the very least, please care about what God thinks of you.
I'm also getting sort of worried that I'm just coming off too strong, that I'm demanding people have too high of a standard, that I'm being just like my parents which means judgmental and hypocritical and not very understanding. People just don't often understand my point of view, and I often don't remember that there are different points of view. So, as a result, I start feeling like giving up. But that is just making ME apathetic, isn't it?
Maybe thats why I'm getting this stressed out feeling. I've invested "too" much into my friends' lives, and they are just don't care that I have decided to devote this aspect of myself to them. (But then again, that's been a theme, hasn't it? So why the stress now?) It's getting harder to trust them. I know that love should be forgiving and trusting, but how far are you supposed to be their friend if you don't trust them? And is it wrong to feel more comfortable with other people, and to want to spend time with them instead?
I'm also getting sort of worried that I'm just coming off too strong, that I'm demanding people have too high of a standard, that I'm being just like my parents which means judgmental and hypocritical and not very understanding. People just don't often understand my point of view, and I often don't remember that there are different points of view. So, as a result, I start feeling like giving up. But that is just making ME apathetic, isn't it?
Maybe thats why I'm getting this stressed out feeling. I've invested "too" much into my friends' lives, and they are just don't care that I have decided to devote this aspect of myself to them. (But then again, that's been a theme, hasn't it? So why the stress now?) It's getting harder to trust them. I know that love should be forgiving and trusting, but how far are you supposed to be their friend if you don't trust them? And is it wrong to feel more comfortable with other people, and to want to spend time with them instead?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Valentine's Day
It's February, the red and pink month. As always, I am baffled by the evermore popular "Singles Awareness Day" celebrated during this 28 day period. As much as I know I have no place to say anything, I'll say it anyway: isn't that a little pathetic?
I'm not saying celebrating singleness is bad. Despite the fact that Valentine's Day is probably my second favorite holiday behind Christmas, I understand that there are plenty of people who rejoice in the opportunities presented by being single, but many people celebrate "SAD" because they wish they didn't have to.
I've posted a note on Facebook before talking about how Valentine's Day should be about celebrating love, not necessarily just romantic love, but love for your friends, your family, your neighbors, etc. God gave us an incredible opportunity TO LOVE. Shouldn't we partake in that blessing a little more often?
Jon and I are often put in the "other" category when it comes to relationships. We're often categorized by other single people as too good to be true, lucky, married, or something of the sort. Everyone seems to understand we aren't a normal dating relationship, which by itself I am okay with. However, I do come to resent the fact that we are an "other" as well. True, Jon and I have something special, I'm not going to deny that. But also, we had to work for it, and we were just like everyone else in the beginning as well.
When people ask me what makes my relationship work, I always tell them about how Jon was so invested in the relationship in the beginning and it was his leadership that kept us going through those tough first two and a half years. Jon doesn't like that telling because although he knows it holds some truth, he likes to cite my determination as well. But coming from this girl, I was just going along for the ride in the beginning. I had no idea that a relationship took so much time, energy, dedication, commitment, and endurance. Jon did. He invested so much into making me happy, and I didn't even realize.
Maybe its because we're high school sweethearts that people discount Jon's and my relationship as a fairy tale. Maybe because it doesn't happen that the first person you happen to date seriously ends up being the person you chose to marry. Maybe it's that. Maybe its because people often don't see the mistakes we've made or the tough journeys that we have been through. Or maybe they are jealous? I don't know. I just wish people understood that our relationship is not easy, that it is attainable for you too, and that love is selfless.
I've learned so much from being in a relationship with Jon. I've learned how God loves, even through the imperfect love that we try to show each other day to day. I've learned a little bit better about what unconditional love means, and how difficult we make it for God to love us. I've learned about what true desire is, and how we are supposed to desire God just as much as we desire our significant other, if not more. I've also learned that God created us as very social beings. We NEED other people. God made us that way because while He doesn't need us in the same way we need Him, He loves interaction, relationships, being.
My prayer is that more people understand that not being attached doesn't have any relation to how attractive you are as a person. I also pray that more people are willing to wait for a Godly relationship and not just give away such a huge part of themselves because they start to get desperate. While God created the wonderful institution of marriage, He also called us to rejoice when we are single.
Relationships are sticky things. You don't ever come out of any relationship (not just romantic) unscathed or unchanged. That is why it is so important that we seek healthy relationships and that we risk part of ourselves every time we enter into one. Because if you don't seek a healthy relationship, when you risk part of yourself, it'll get ugly. And if you seek a healthy relationship, but you don't risk part of yourself, it won't go anywhere.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Characters
Note: I have an essay due tomorrow that I've only half completed. Senioritis is horrid.
Note 2: I walked in the rain today without an umbrella so I could pick up Starbucks for my coworkers. It was fun. When I tried to use an umbrella, the wind flipped it inside out, reminding me of Mary Poppins. Awesome.
You learn a lot about the nature of God studying people. As a writer and a lover of good characters, I tend to be over-observant. I eavesdrop and spy and watch and stare (warning for those who sit in restaurants near me). I like to learn about people, how they work, why they do things, what makes them tick, etc. You'll notice that when I'm interacting with people, I always try to understand them before I take action. The problem is sometimes I'm wrong, my assumption, though based on good evidence, does not withstand the truth. However, what I have learned is the intricacy of humans. People are varied infinitely, so much so that often people don't even understand themselves.
I don't like psychology. It tries to categorize people too much, see them as "science" rather than "creations." It would please me very much to take the "-logy" out of the word and just leave it as is. "I'm majoring in psycho. What are you majoring in?" That would be much more interesting.
There are a lot of people that puzzle me because while I like to understand, sometimes I'm not very understanding. I have a problem with judging and seeing things from another way other than my own. I think this is a problem that runs in my entire family.
My dad was mentioning the other day how all of my friends have messed up families. I agreed, because its true. A good majority of my close friends have problematic families. I told my dad that I tend to be friends with genuine people, and with that, you often get "messed up families" in this generation. My dad was commenting on how some people don't have any messed up friends. I said then their friends were usually shallow.
Blanket statements like that...I really shouldn't say them. I'm sure there isn't really a shallow person out there. There are just a lot of people who shut the rest of the wealth that is their personality up in some distant recess of their mind so they can function. There are just too many generalizations because in such a varied world of personalities, the only way to make sense of them is to make generalizations and in the end, cheat yourself out of the wealth humanity has to offer.
This takes me back to God's character. He created all of these people. It astounds me how people are so receptive, subconsciously mainly, to the circumstances of their childhood. People are so shaped by how they grow up. (This makes me want to just be a totally awesome, Godly parent. It really does.) It interests me so much how little things in people's pasts become the rudder for the rest of their lives. I love how God has imprinted His love of design and variation and differences in the world of personalities everyone has out there.
I have to admit though...some of those personalities drive me mad.
With that in mind, I want the goal of my stories to focus on the characters. Because what is the point if you don't learn something new about people when you read literature? Even books that would never make it into the "classics" category. If it has creatively and aptly helped to reveal something (not necessarily new) about humans and the "human experience" (which is just a fancy name for "life" or "relationships"), then I would consider it a well-written piece. Why? Because it had a good purpose.
I hope my writing is like that.
PS - Why is my posts the only ones that look messed up in terms of formatting?
Note 2: I walked in the rain today without an umbrella so I could pick up Starbucks for my coworkers. It was fun. When I tried to use an umbrella, the wind flipped it inside out, reminding me of Mary Poppins. Awesome.
You learn a lot about the nature of God studying people. As a writer and a lover of good characters, I tend to be over-observant. I eavesdrop and spy and watch and stare (warning for those who sit in restaurants near me). I like to learn about people, how they work, why they do things, what makes them tick, etc. You'll notice that when I'm interacting with people, I always try to understand them before I take action. The problem is sometimes I'm wrong, my assumption, though based on good evidence, does not withstand the truth. However, what I have learned is the intricacy of humans. People are varied infinitely, so much so that often people don't even understand themselves.
I don't like psychology. It tries to categorize people too much, see them as "science" rather than "creations." It would please me very much to take the "-logy" out of the word and just leave it as is. "I'm majoring in psycho. What are you majoring in?" That would be much more interesting.
There are a lot of people that puzzle me because while I like to understand, sometimes I'm not very understanding. I have a problem with judging and seeing things from another way other than my own. I think this is a problem that runs in my entire family.
My dad was mentioning the other day how all of my friends have messed up families. I agreed, because its true. A good majority of my close friends have problematic families. I told my dad that I tend to be friends with genuine people, and with that, you often get "messed up families" in this generation. My dad was commenting on how some people don't have any messed up friends. I said then their friends were usually shallow.
Blanket statements like that...I really shouldn't say them. I'm sure there isn't really a shallow person out there. There are just a lot of people who shut the rest of the wealth that is their personality up in some distant recess of their mind so they can function. There are just too many generalizations because in such a varied world of personalities, the only way to make sense of them is to make generalizations and in the end, cheat yourself out of the wealth humanity has to offer.
This takes me back to God's character. He created all of these people. It astounds me how people are so receptive, subconsciously mainly, to the circumstances of their childhood. People are so shaped by how they grow up. (This makes me want to just be a totally awesome, Godly parent. It really does.) It interests me so much how little things in people's pasts become the rudder for the rest of their lives. I love how God has imprinted His love of design and variation and differences in the world of personalities everyone has out there.
I have to admit though...some of those personalities drive me mad.
With that in mind, I want the goal of my stories to focus on the characters. Because what is the point if you don't learn something new about people when you read literature? Even books that would never make it into the "classics" category. If it has creatively and aptly helped to reveal something (not necessarily new) about humans and the "human experience" (which is just a fancy name for "life" or "relationships"), then I would consider it a well-written piece. Why? Because it had a good purpose.
I hope my writing is like that.
PS - Why is my posts the only ones that look messed up in terms of formatting?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Saturday Afternoon
I have been able to sleep in recently, which ironically, was something I just told Amy that I couldn't do anymore. I was thinking about the reason why I was able to sleep in twice this weekend this morning after I woke up at 11:30, only because my lovely father who is trying to stand up for my mother's ideals woke us up at that time about an hour after he had awaken.
It is sort of disconcerting to wake up late, considering I know I have tons of things to do, but this is what I do after I wake up: surf Facebook and write a blog entry. I haven't even showered yet. I think I am stressed. Why else would my body find so much solace in sleeping? But if I am stressed, I'm not sure where the stress is coming from. I don't feel stressed. Do I? I'm not sure.
With the risk of making me sound like a clingy girlfriend, perhaps my "stress" is related to not seeing my boyfriend for four days this week (which is abnormal, sorry). I don't know what it is, but when I'm with him, I feel complete, and when I'm not, I feel like I'm missing something. So its an endless cycle of waiting until the next time I see him to feel whole again. I'm not sure how much of that is a good thing and a bad thing, though most people I talk to argue for its dangerousness. I don't know. Most people I know don't understand what its like to be in a "steady" relationship, for lack of a better term, and all of the things that go along with it. I've tried to explain it to people, but they don't get it, so I've stopped trying.
So, perhaps I am stressed, but right now I feel like I'm in a hazy sort of daze, sitting in my dimmed room with the blinds still closed but letting in cracks of sunlight, and my computer screen, the brightest light in the room, illuminating my oily hair and face, while I listen gladly to the sound of the keyboard as I type and the appearance of the words in my mind onto the computer screen. Sometimes I think I update this blog simply because I like to hear myself type.
It is sort of disconcerting to wake up late, considering I know I have tons of things to do, but this is what I do after I wake up: surf Facebook and write a blog entry. I haven't even showered yet. I think I am stressed. Why else would my body find so much solace in sleeping? But if I am stressed, I'm not sure where the stress is coming from. I don't feel stressed. Do I? I'm not sure.
With the risk of making me sound like a clingy girlfriend, perhaps my "stress" is related to not seeing my boyfriend for four days this week (which is abnormal, sorry). I don't know what it is, but when I'm with him, I feel complete, and when I'm not, I feel like I'm missing something. So its an endless cycle of waiting until the next time I see him to feel whole again. I'm not sure how much of that is a good thing and a bad thing, though most people I talk to argue for its dangerousness. I don't know. Most people I know don't understand what its like to be in a "steady" relationship, for lack of a better term, and all of the things that go along with it. I've tried to explain it to people, but they don't get it, so I've stopped trying.
So, perhaps I am stressed, but right now I feel like I'm in a hazy sort of daze, sitting in my dimmed room with the blinds still closed but letting in cracks of sunlight, and my computer screen, the brightest light in the room, illuminating my oily hair and face, while I listen gladly to the sound of the keyboard as I type and the appearance of the words in my mind onto the computer screen. Sometimes I think I update this blog simply because I like to hear myself type.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Mother Madness
*Warning: First real(?) rant post*
Things my mom does that tend to bug me to no end (causing me to instantly act irritable toward her in response) but I'm not sure why they bug me are:
Things my mom does that tend to bug me to no end (causing me to instantly act irritable toward her in response) but I'm not sure why they bug me are:
1...when she asks me to do something last minute
2...when she tries to talk to me when I'm on the phone
3...when she asks me to deliver something to her company for her
Analysis of #1:
Perhaps I get bothered by this because I'm not very flexible with my schedule. I know I like to stick to my schedule, but when things come up, I'm not so frustrated with those things, am I? Or maybe it is because I'm trying desperately to make my schedule independent of hers and she assumes that I have nothing else to do and can just wake up that one hour earlier to go do something I hadn't planned on doing that it'll be okay. Or maybe it is because I'm a control freak and don't like my precious schedule messed with. Or maybe I don't like the unknown throwing me off guard. But I don't think that I'm as irritable (and as instantly irritable) with anything else that does this to my schedule but her. Or maybe its just because I don't like to lose sleep.
Possible Conclusion: because I'm trying desperately to make my schedule independent of hers
Analysis of #2:
This I am pretty sure I know why it bothers me. I try not to talk to my mom when she's on the phone. When we were little, she set up this system that we had to put our hand on her shoulder and she would get to us at a good point in the conversation. However, I'm usually on the phone in my room, so when my mom is yelling at me from across the house, she does not know I am on the phone. But it still bugs me when I have to yell an answer back, and then she asks ANOTHER questions and my annoyed tone does not signal to her my annoyance.
Possible Conclusion: because she's being hypocritical
Analysis of #3:
This one still boggles me. Lots of times she asks me to deliver something, I am on the way. My work is right next door. Why not? Its convenient. I still get bothered and annoyed and irritable. Other times, she asks me when I'm not so close by (like school) and its a 10 minute drive out of my way. I should be kind and just deliver it for her. But for some reason, I hate it. It feels like she is taking advantage of me, because I am the only person she can ask. Which is ironic because she warned me against taking care of my friend's cat too much because of the same reason. Isn't she doing the same thing to me? Blah. I should be nicer, I should just deliver the package/take care of the cat without getting all angry that they are messing with what I had originally planned. Or is this intimately related to my anger in regards to issue #1?
Possible Conclusion: inconclusive
Mothers...and I'm going to be just like her when I get old. I know it. Which just makes it worse.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Inevitable
I have to admit that after my last entry in which I tried to copy and paste lyrics, I got fed up with Blogger merely because it wouldn't change my stupid font size to "small" instead of "normal." I tried SO many times to get the font of my last entry to be the same as everything else, and when I gave up, I almost didn't post the lyrics just because it didn't match. I suppose there might be something wrong with that.
So, its 2010. Normally, I'm not much into celebrating New Year's. I've probably stated this somewhere else on the Internet, but it doesn't feel like a beginning to me. I would love to celebrate beginnings or endings that were actually beginnings. But the only thing in 2010 that is beginning is a new number to write on papers and a new quarter. To me, not much of a beginning. I'd much rather celebrate the beginning of summer or even the beginning of the school year to the end of the Christmas season.
However, this year is a bit different. First, it dawned on me that...hey, 2010 is a new decade. What the heck! Where did the last decade go? It went by so fast. And I sound so old for saying that. But more importantly, I started looking ahead (as I do probably too often) and started to notice impending *insert word here* (word choices: a) doom, b) changes, c) possibilities, d) none of the above). Dude. This year is THE year for watching my whole life turn upside down. And the thing that is weird is that I know there is no way around it, minus failing school, which arguably would have the same result anyway. This year, I am looking at my graduation in March, starting full time work, facing for the first time myself and my "pen" (am I a real writer?), and probably an engagement tossed in there somewhere. Not to mention I ended 2009 buying a car. Which was totally out of the blue.
I am not really mentally ready to start my adult life. But then again, who is? I doubt anyone could claim such a feat. I am feeling sort of frantic at this point because there aren't that many people I know who are in the same position as me. Most of the people I know are taking life in chunks. Handling the career before the marriage. Or handling the marriage before the career. Or something of that sort. (It's too late for me to think of better, more realistic permutations.) I'm trying to take a huge bite of both.
Props to Jon for being able to handle everything. I don't see how he bought that house and still manages to see straight.
So, in the most circuitous way, this year both scares and excites me. I am both apprehensive, nervous and eager, excited. I am looking at the end of what I know but what I am tired of. I am looking at the beginning of what I have been looking forward to yet know nothing about. I know that it is silly of me to say such simple things. Everyone knows change is scary because of the unknown. And everyone knows I don't handle the unknown very well. Maybe that is why I tell myself over and over again why I'm scared.
I want to charge into 2010 and embrace all of the things it has to offer. Especially since the changes are so inevitable. But at the same time, I'm not ready. And I'm afraid of not being ready. More than of the unknown.
I feel like there is a lot on my mind right now, and its making it harder to go to sleep nowadays. I'm trying to learn what it means to be a faithful wife, a good steward, a dedicated writer, a valuable employee, a Godly leader, and a loving daughter/sister all at the same time. And these things are all at the forefront of my mind. I'm started to feel swamped.
I guess writing here doesn't really aid me at all. I am only getting out on "paper" what I have been mulling over in my head for the past few days. Which makes me feel like this post was totally pointless and that I wasted twenty minutes of my time/sleep. But at the same time, I know this is a somewhat small, desperate cry for an understanding ear. I guess that is what I get for not having many close friends. I am forced to depend, yet again, on my writing for my solace.
Wow, the more I write this, the more lame I feel. Perhaps I should stop now.
*Edit - And the font STILL doesn't work....
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I Celebrate the Day
I hope that I can live these words out this Christmas...and every Christmas.
by Relient K
And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know
how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me,
Because here is where You're finding me,
in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be
And the first time
That You opened Your eyes
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be
And the first time
That You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever
And so this Christmas
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever
And so this Christmas
I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life
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